Sep 28, 2008

Things that make me go oooh..

I dedicate this post to my darling, my one and only baby..the things I appreciate and love about you...

1. You're always so thoughtful, you know how to mind your way around the house, and you're
hassle free :)

2. That you're not ashamed to cry when something's bothering you.

3. That you speak from the heart, and you always make sure that I do too. :,)

4. You're such a wonderful cook! Yummie

5. You get me treats and you know the kind of treats I like :) (wuv u!)

6. When you send me random messages, saying you miss me and you love me SHADEED :)

7. The way you calm me down when I get mad.

8. How protective you are when something/someone tries to hurt me.

9. How insanely jealous you are of John Legend :P :)

10. That you let me be myself.

11. That you bring me closer to God every single time. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS.

12. You make me want to be a better person. And you always make sure I do this for myself :,)

13. How strong you are as a person. You stand your ground.

14. Your discipline. You get things done.

15. You're always on time when you pray.

16. That you pray for me too.

17. Your love for me.

18. You make me feel special.

19. You taught me how to love.......unconditionally.

20. Gave new meaning to the word...LIFE

21. When you say that your heart bleeds every time I cry, and how you always want me to smile
and be happy.

22. Your smile.

23. You made me learn how it's like to not be able to live without someone. :(

24. I learnt the beauty and also the pains of love.

Colours of my life

Green is my religion! that God decrees and
bring me spiritual bliss
My family, the twinkling diamond white that brightens up my life
Yellow is the color of my friends,
that melts away the black, the storm of my sorrows
Maroon is the love I have for my sweetheart,
His tender blues soothe my lavendar melancholy
Brings out the fiery red passion in me
and purple, that makes me feel like a queen!

Orange is my adventures, that build me up and make me strong
What brings power? the one and only silver monochrome!
Brown, grounding me and keeping me real.
My rainbow, my universe.

Sep 27, 2008

Just the way I am

This is a letter to myself therefore don't be freaked out and think I've lost it. It can be quite therapeutic and has been practiced in the coaching world for years now. Hopefully my readers will learn as much from this experience as I will.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..Here goes.

Dear Ari,

I know that you're hurting and you've been hurt a lot of times before in your life. I understand that life has been a hard journey for you. My darling, it's only lessons for you to learn that there are some things that are beyond your control. You don't have to spend time to seek approval from others but your own. Advice is commendable, approval isn't. The only person that you should want approval from is yourself.

I know that at times just to be accepted you hold back the truth and not tell the person how you truly feel for fear of being dejected. It's normal. Everyone goes through that. I know we've gone through a lot of times where only when you are successful, then you will feel loved. But know this, regardless of what happens to you, and what you do, I still love you. Have courage to live your life to the full and that also means speaking your mind constantly. The worst thing you can do is be dishonest to the people around you, and also yourself. At the end of the day we all lose out.

And I have unwaivering faith that you will champion this. Don't be afraid of making mistakes, because mistakes are lessons in life to help you grow. Be okay with making mistakes, because the fear of it is where you really lose out. Always be aware of what you are doing, and what you are doing to another person, in that awareness, presence and focus, you will be happy. Believe me.

Go 100% on this. I know love is scary to you sometimes. Don't be afraid of a little pain, because true love is waiting on the other side. It's okay to be afraid. But know that, there is something far more important than it.

Believe in your dreams, trust yourself and go for it!!


Love you with all my heart,


Dismiss the idea of failure in your mind SO...


I got the title from this book called You can be the happiest woman in the world by Dr. Aid Al Qarni. The quote moved me. But I didn't quite like how it was worded because if you're familiar with the teachings of The Secret we should make our affirmations positive.

My mind has the tendency of thinking the worst possible outcome before the positive one. This quote is just what I needed. I needed to dismiss the idea of failure. Failing in my life and most importantly failing in my love life. It's not easy when I have a background of failed relationships that not only happened to me but around the people that are close to me.

In my weak attempt to cheer myself up the thought of my friend's saying came to mind. WHEN IT'S A HARD LIFE THAT YOU LIVE, IT'S HARD TO BE POSITIVE. I find this so true. But I've come to a realization that this shouldn't be my reality. My destiny is in my hands. Not other people. When I focus my mind to positive things, I've always attracted positive experiences into my life. Vice versa. Always have unwaivering faith that things will be great for you. My friend Jazzy says. Omigod it's so true. I've always thought that life was about you know taking things as it is, but we do have control over what happens to us.

It's like when I have a negative thought and I entertain it it's as if I'm asking God for this thing to happen.

The habit of thinking the negative before the positive always happens to me. When I think of the word HABIT, like smoking, drinking and all the negative vices it occurred to me that this "habit" that I had was slowly destroying my system and most obvious, my relationship with my MMS. It's a hard habit to break but I've got to start somewhere. I can't be spending my life always in doubt and not trust God that He has good intentions for me. And I must trust that I DESERVE THE VERY BEST THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER. Not place myself in this impending negativity that eats away at my faith and sanity.

Therefore now I'm going to just move forward, and think positively, regardless. This is my new habit. SO BE IT. Keep positive company and positive things will surely occur. This is my truth, my reality.

Sep 25, 2008

Her hands

Her hands are rough, from the dusts she battles
She hides it with lotion, when she smooths his head
Her hands are weary, from the work that she does
And at night when the lights are dark she forgets all that
and loves him to the depths of her heart

Her hands carry marks, from the hot oil that stings
the very hands that soothes her infants fever away at midnight
The old table lamp bearing witness
Of the one who lulls her baby to sleep

Her hands they are shaky, from tired days of sending
Her boy and girls to school to learn how to live
Her hands tell a story, behind the wrinkles and lines
Of youth and dreams she put on hold for a life like this
But never once, has she complained but love more instead

Her hands are now old, as her grandaughter sympathizes
But with zest she proclaims "I am never tired!"
Her hands are now cold, as she returns to her Maker
I pray to You, in heaven she belongs, care and love her
For those hands, those hands are my mother's...

Ari Yahya
Friday, 26th September 2008

Sep 24, 2008

God loves you


Statement Pendek tetapi Bermakna

Bila Allah cepat makbulkan doamu - maka Dia menyayangimu
Bila Dia lambat makbulkan doamu - maka Dia ingin mengujimu
Bila Dia tidak makbulkan doamu - maka Dia merancang sesuatu yang lebih baik untukmu
Oleh itu, sentiasalah bersangka baik pada Allah dalam apa jua keadaan pun..
Kerana kasih sayang Allah itu mendahului kemurkaanNya

I came across this statement while going through my friends notes on facebook. This really touches home for me and strengthens my faith that He is looking out for me all the time. Alhamdulillah. I hope that I give justice to the english translation..

A Short but Meaningful Statement

When Allah grants your prayers with speed - He loves you
When Allah delays in answering your prayers - He wants to test you
When Allah does not answer your prayers - He has planned something far better for you
Therefore, always think highly of God in any situation, because
His love preceeds His hate.

Earlier there was a train crash in Bukit Jalil station. My love was on that train. Alhamdulillah nothing happened to him and I get to have him another day.

I feel tremendously blessed.

Thank you Allah.

Sep 23, 2008

Chitra here I come!!

So I was my usual stalker self in facebook, wanting to check on my boyfriend's activities, :P when I saw this event that my friend Safia was going to attend. Wow! another audition and this time around I don't have to dance around and make a fool of myself like the previous audition I went to. LOL Still good experience nontheless. Anyways..

I was quite hesitant since I didn't even know what a monologue was, then by some cosmic magical support Safia came online with all her beauty and glory. Alhamdulillah! She checked to make sure if it was me since I asked her what a monologue was :P Yea, it's me I don't know what it is. Please help the ignorant.

It was quite a surprise because earlier I was telling my baby about some of the jobs offered to me but I wasn't particularly enthralled. He said to take up a job that would give me benefit. I would consider full medical and quarterly bonuses, a big car to drive around in a huge benefit! hehe..

I don't think my passion as a art lover/performer is any secret to my close friends. I love it! Mind you it takes a lot of discipline. Some might see it as a career path for the erratic of behaviour and the borderline psychopath. For me it's an art. And I've always loved art from as far as I could walk. My chubby little legs would be making lunges, immitating a kung fu fighter to wearing my brother's blue towel over my head because it made me feel all princess-ey.

In any case this was my chance at my passion. Something to cross off my to do list before I hit 30. Having a life makes one very attractive. ;)

If you guys were wondering, I've chosen this monologue.

The Dianalogues
By Laurel Haines

The play is a series of monologues, this one is called "Fat Camp." Doreen is fifteen.


Look, you seem like a nice counselor. At least, you're the only one whose thighs have three dimensions. Can I tell you the truth? I don't want another chance. I want out. That's why I sabotaged the beauty pageant. I want to be expelled. Please. Help me get out of here. I've been coming here for six summers and I can't take another minute of it. This place is crazy. I mean, a beauty pageant for fat girls? Who are they kidding? We all prance around in our sensible one-piece swimsuits while the judges try not to laugh at us. We know. Look, I don't mean to be disrespectful. I tried to follow your program, I really did. I ate the fruit cup and the square of toast you put in front of me every morning. I spent my afternoons doing aerobics to "It's Raining Men" and "Oh, Mickey!" And at night I closed my eyes and tried to visualize myself shrinking. None of it worked. In fact, your program isn't working for anyone. The rest of my bunk survives by smuggling in Snickers bars and throwing them up at night. The PeeWees are popping Ex-Lax. They hide it in their training bras. And what about Judy, who went away for that mysterious week six to a "wedding"? Yeah, right. Try liposuction. Who comes back from a wedding with eggplant-sized bruises on their thighs? She said it was from waterskiiing, but smart people know better. I mean, how can you reward taht? You might as well put a crown on the vacuum!

So can I go now? Please? I mean really, you don't want to keep me around here. I'm dangerous. Who knows what I'll do? Can't you just chalk me up as a hopeless case? A loose cannon? A bad seed? OK. Fine. But you know what? From now on, I'm going to eat whatever the hell I want. Oh, I have ways of getting food. Many, many sources. And by the time this summer is over, I'll be the first Miss Camp Bluebird who will have gained fifty pounds. You can put THAT in your ad in the New York Times!

Courtesy of

May the All Mighty bless me with the chance to live my dreams! Amin

Sep 21, 2008

Superstitious minds

You crazy nut! You f-ing wanna die issit?! That's too much salt.


Day in day out I've been putting too much salt in my food. I need a restraining order from the ocean :P Salt manufacturers would love me.

There's this old folks tale that if you put too much salt in your food that means that you're going to get married soon. I doubt that it will happen. If it does, just ask me when I'm due. :P (thanks Anna) Touch wood! I take it back!

Speaking of urban legends and folk lore, don't you guys ever tire from hearing all this superstitious malarkey? Whenever I bring this idea forth to M he always says to me, Baby that's all nonsense ok. Don't believe it. teehee..

There was this one time at band camp..LOL ok I'll be serious. I saw this friend of mine walking into his entrance with his back facing the door. "What on earth?" It was a weird sight to see. "They say if I walk like this it'll ward off evil." I was thinking to myself apparently it didn't ward off the crazies in your head. Here was this man in his early 30s still believing in superstition.

Here's another one. My nieces & nephews and I were having a very late supper and we were out of cili. Thank God for the cili tree in the garden. By the time we were done with it it was almost barren. I was about to pass the cili to Noury when my nephew Nasha shrieked. I thought he saw a burglar, ghost or some 4 eyed creature with its intestines hanging loose. "Aunty don't pass it directly to Noury! You guys will end up in a cat fight if you do! Put it in a bowl or something then give it to her."

My God! Where do you people get this?

I find it quite amusing as well. My dad would never hear of such superstitions although one day I caught him with his very own little tale. He didn't touch the deer meat that his friend gave him, while we were munching away he decided to share. "You know that back in the day people who practiced magic would sometimes turn themselves into deers?" I almost hurled. It could probably be someone's arm I was chewing on. Probably worst. Then logic hit me and I just laughed it away. I couldn't help but feel bad about being a momentary cannibal though. :P Sorry dad.

Now I always have this smart rhetort when someone tells me a superstition, especially my kids (nephews and nieces).


But try say that to my elders and not get cili rubbed in your mouth! >.<

There's this one interesting belief that Pam and I came across. Apparently if you put Valerian leaves in your underwear it's supposed to heighten one's appeal. Really now?

"Daun apa tu Nong? Ada ka tu disini? Semalu ka tu?" (What kinda leaf is that nong? Do they have it here? Is that the semalu (Mimosa pudica L. <-- I couldn't find the layman term for it in english) leaf?

"No lah! I don't think so"

Come to think of it, if it was the semalu my bunions would have a very fun time dealing with the thorns. Ouch! No thanks.

The Valerian leaves could be like long distant cousins to that of the Ivy. Who knows man...who knows..

I guess that if we were to deal with such things with humour it would be alright as opposed to believing in it 100%. I find it like a restraint.

But I'm not making fun of those who do though. I'm just giving my 2 cents.

Here's some of the stuff I picked up.

So far,

To cure a cough: take a hair from the coughing person's head, put it between two slices of buttered bread, feed it to a dog, and say, "Eat well you hound, may you be sick and I be sound."

(SPCA will have a trip with this one)

A fish should always be eaten from the head toward the tail.

If a young girl catches a ladybug and then releases it, the direction in which it flies away will be the direction from which her future husband will come.

(Where are those dumb ladybugs when you need them...LOL)

Click here to read more.

*Sings* We're caught in a trap! I can't walk out..coz I believe in you too much baby! (LOL, sung in the tune of suspicious minds by Elvis Presley)

Well, each to his/her own I guess at the end of the day.

I hope you guys had as much fun reading this as I did writing it lol


I'm currently in love with this song. I'm sourcing for this kind of thing to happen to me.

Unbelievable baby? Makes my heart smile. Sighs.

That was what I said an hour ago. Now I realize I do have it :)


Always said I would know where to find love,
Always thought I'd be ready and strong enough,
But some times I just felt I could give up.
But you came and you changed my whole world now,
I'm somewhere I've never been before.
Now I see, what love means.

It's so unbelievable,
And I don't want to let it go,
Something so beautiful,
Flowing down like a waterfall.
I feel like you've always been,
Forever a part of me.
And it's so unbelievable to finally be in love,
Somewhere I'd never thought I'd be.

In my heart, in my head, it's so clear now,
Hold my hand you've got nothing to fear now,
I was lost and you've rescued me some how-.
I'm alive, I'm in love you complete me,
And I've never been here before.
Now I see, what love means.

When I think of what I have, and this chance I nearly lost,
I cant help but break down, and cry.
Oh yeah, break down and cry.

Now I see, what love means

In the pursuit of peace and happiness

Those who believe (in the Oneness of Allâh - Islâmic Monotheism), and whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allâh, Verily, in the remembrance of Allâh do hearts find rest.

The Noble Quran - Ar-Ra'd 13:28

I miss having M around. He gave me a call saying that he was 3 minutes away from my house and that he had to go to Bukit Bintang right after to meet some of his friends. I was thinking it would be alright since I would be meeting him next week. He asked me why I was going back so early since I told him I was going back a week before my niece's wedding. I just thought it would be nice to go back earlier I mean 3 days won't make any difference anyways not that we always hang out together :P

It kinda was a shocker to me coz he went to see his friends and because he said he was busy with his studying and what nots. It has been eons since I last saw him. I don't know I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I'm just suffering from withdrawal symptoms. lol He does love me tho. Would be nice to see him more often :).. But this is as good as it gets and I'm taking it a day at a time.

I've learned to enjoy my own company. Even though in the beginning it kinda sucked that I had to break fast by myself. But come to think about it I like me. lol And the quiet sessions that I spend with God. Praying to Him and asking Him for His mercy and blessings in whatever I do. It's very peaceful. I trust in Him that He knows what's best for me.

Summer told me that God will only give the bearable trials to His servants. When I think of this I don't get antsy as much. I feel at peace knowing that the only reason why He would test me is because He loves me. I fear that He will not love me. Therefore knowing this, I feel happy. He's been there since the beginning. Through sadness and smiles. When the whole world turned their back against me, He was there to offer me comfort.

This world is a temporary world anyways. But I pray that God will give me more than enough good memories to take me to my grave and the here after.

I know God knows what's inside my heart. He's just preparing me to be ready for special & wonderful times ahead :)

The trials of a modern muslim chic. :) One thing I've gained, is that, in the pursuit of happiness, nobody can make you happy except yourself. You need to take ownership of that responsibility.

If you try to gain happiness from your external environment then that means your happiness is temporary. But when you dig inside and harness the power, like thinking of good memories to shift your energy to happiness, then you will get that happiness.

I read something from wikihow (my favourite website! LOL) and it's listed down some useful things to make oneself happy.


Nobody is happy all the time, but some people are definitely more fulfilled than others, and it doesn't seem to have much to do with material goods or high achievement---things many people spend a lot of their time worrying about. So what do they have that you don't?


1. Relax. Lighten up. Don't take yourself too seriously. Try not to over analyze things. Stress can cause many mental, physical, and spiritual problems in your life. One of the major causes of stress is worrying about things that are out of your control. Learn to recognize these things and if you can truly do nothing about them, then just let them go. Take time to laugh at yourself and the situations you find yourself in. Laughter is a powerful, positive medicine and the calmer and more peaceful you can take things, the happier your life will be. It wouldn't be life if some bad things don't happen.

2. Smile You would be surprised how much of an immediate difference physically smiling has on your mood, if you smile and force a little laugh you will feel your mood lighten and you won't have to force it next time.

3. Take the good with the bad. No one is happy all the time. Everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with the gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears. We cannot change the past, but we can enjoy today, and look to the future. If we are prepared to take ownership for the past and accept that everything that's happened in our life, good and bad, has made us the person we are - the battle is half won.

4. Be thankful. A key component of happiness is acceptance - learning to be grateful for what you have. A lot of people know it but don't keep it in their minds. Comparing your life with others' is dangerous. Accept the gifts you have and know that no one is better than or less than anyone else's. Keep a "gratitude journal". Every day, write down a few things that you are thankful for and then review what you have written in past entries. It's a great way to remind yourself to be thankful for what you have and to boost your mood.

5. Be yourself. Much criticism is caused by people who are discontented with themselves, not with you. One way to get in touch with yourself is through journaling, diaries or (lately) blogs. Your goal may be to open up completely to yourself and learn to be your own best friend by being completely honest with yourself. What do you want out of life? What makes you truly happy? Who do you want to be?

6. Pursue goals that make you happy. Strive for long term goals rather than short term satisfaction. It's very easy to gain short term satisfaction--a quick high, a fast relief from your current problems (such as drugs, alcohol, sex). But it is what it is, a "short term" satisfaction, and the effects die out very soon, leaving you with an empty feeling that is sometimes worse than before. Set long term goals, goals which take time, thought, and effort to achieve. This will make you continually work towards improving yourself bit by bit and will give you the satisfaction of bringing a permanent change in your life.

7. Focus on the Objective. If the thoughts you are thinking are not giving you that 'good feeling', then think about something else that will make you feel good in that moment. Observe your thoughts and ideas consistently throughout the day (diary/journal if possible). Sometimes this may not be as easy as you think if you are stuck in a "destructive" train of thought and your brain chemicals are getting fired up and forming "anxiety or anger" thoughts. Anxiety, fear and anger patterns can be interrupted by focusing on something else. This will dissipate the rush of chemicals that are making you feel bad. Immediately then go back to picturing scenes/remembering things/imagining, planning stuff that makes you feel good.

8. Develop healthy relationships.

* Family. If you want a stronger relationship with your family, you're going to need to be honest with them. Tell your family about your life and don't insult them - it hurts them just as much as it hurts you to be insulted. If you are in an abusive family, you must find a way to stop the abuse and that may include separation.
* Have a healthy relationship. If you're dating, get involved with activities that reflect who you are, and get to know people who like the things you do. Get involved with someone who loves life and pursues happiness the way you do. If you're in a relationship, strive to make that relationship healthy.
* Choose your friends carefully. Nearly everyone needs someone who cares for them and treats them well. If you have friends who are treating you badly, or are not supportive of you and your goals to improve your life, then ditch them and find friends that do care about you. If you can't find any friends like that in your current circumstances, then look elsewhere. If you're feeling sad, there's nothing like going out with your friends to make you feel better. Surround yourself with friends who are beneficial, encouraging, and helpful. We all need this continuing, nurturing encouragement to make solid desired progress in life.

9. Make someone else happy. When you're feeling powerless to create happiness in your life, do something to make someone else--anyone--happy, and you'll remember how easy it really can be. Isn't it true the happiest people we know are typically the ones who for some foolish reason are always ready to give you the clothes off their back? And frequently it is true that the most discontented people are the ones who are selfish, demanding, and inconsiderate of others. The happiest days of our lives, when we really dig down deep, is when we see the smile on the face of a person who we care about. Even helping a stranger can remind you of how much you really have, because of how much you can give. Serve at a rescue mission and you will learn the meaning of "I cried because I had no shoes and then I met a man who had no feet."


* Try thinking of a creative vow and write it down. Make it something like: I vow to give at least one compliment to someone each day and I'll try to control my anger by counting in my head before reacting.


* Happiness requires balance. Don't become so caught up in your own happiness that you forget about everyone else's. And don't base your own happiness on making others feel good; people-pleasers are usually very unhappy on the whole.

* Even in the most terrible times, do not turn to alcohol, drugs, or anything else that is addictive, abusive to the health of you or others. Bad habits grow like weeds - they are easy to get, but hard to get rid of. Many addictive "solutions" can make your problems much worse.

I hope this has made you as happy as it did me. I feel calmer. Alhamdulillah.

Fioner's birthday!!!

1/3rds of a cigarette I decided to write something light, I have a couple of drafts of stuff I wrote but I just couldn't bring myself to finish them. Writer's block probably. Ever since I decided to write something to represent my adventures of turning over a new leaf, I feel pressured. LOL Insyallah I will finish them soon non the less. hehe.

Well I was quite shocked to get Fi's message saying that she planned her birthday on the last minute. I cancelled all my plans and decided hey, one needs to pull through for a buddy.

I was very happy with the spread. Especially when I saw the mashed potatoes. Hehe. I was craving for it since forever. I was ecstatic as well because it meant that I will be seeing some of my old friends that I have not hung out with for ages.

Good food, good company, there was also of what I noticed a patch of severed ties as well. That was monumental. I couldn't help but feel happy that they did. I won't mention names but it was good to see these two old friends talk again. As much as I hate to admit it, these two clowns have been with me since day 1 of university days and how can I not get choked up at the sight? :,-)

We had a good round of cho tai di which Jeff and G kept winning. I keep thinking that the card game was rigged :P. I even got to fix Uncle's guitar. Kinda weird sounds tho coz it was a mixture of strings. lol Never the less it was a good time.

Sep 20, 2008

'Why is patience so important?' 'Because it makes us pay attention'.

'Why is patience so important?' 'Because it makes us pay attention'.

Paulo Coelho - The witch of Portobello.

This is one thing that I think I have learned and been tested for in this Ramadhan month. There were many times I was about to blow my top, but I controlled myself. And there were many times that I did blow my top and suffered dire consequences which was my temporary break up with M. *shivers*

But the practice in patience not only acquired me the ability to do things better, it, like Coelho said, made me pay attention. With usual impulse I would just ignore the attempts of M to get back with me and possibly throw away the one that my heart beats for. What is love without trials and tribulations? and the patience to whither the storm?

Patience is a virtue and no other virtue better than this I would add.

When I am patient and I pay attention to what's really going on as opposed to what my crazy mind has conjured up, it really makes a whole lot of difference. When I am patient, I realize I listen to what is being said rather than what I want to hear. Acquiring patience is a tedious job and not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of endurance.

Another thing I've learnt about patience is that I could easily steer away from causing things to be worst than they already are. Patience somewhat gives me the 3rd person viewpoint to my situation, minus emotions, minus feelings. Mind you I'm not overlooking these things as being important nor as something that should be absent of the human makeup, but just to look at things objectively, minus my personal judgment, such that I can think of a better way of how to handle it NOW and how it can benefit all those involved.

This was a very profound experience for me. Previously, I couldn't strike a balance between the two, it was always to extremities. Either I was giving in too much to the other person or I was just sucking the other person's very existence because I wanted to be right about what I was feeling, rather than be patient and focus about what I wanted to create, and have in the long run.

You gotta be what you want? You want love. You need to be loving. You want trust? Be trusting!

From my own perspective, I see patience as an act of love. An act of kindness as well.

Benefits of patience? Rome wasn't built in a day. If the architects had no patience in drawing out a proper blueprint for us God forbid the number of buildings that would fall to pieces. *blach*

In matters of the heart, patience plays a critical role in creating love between a couple. In addition to that there's also other people in your life that you need to have patience with. Not only your loved ones. But the closest one to you. Yourself.

Did you ever catch yourself beating yourself up because you did something wrong or you thought that you could've done it better? If we took time to reflect it was actually just a learning process and that we should be PATIENT with ourselves.

And all this was because I paid attention! Full price :)

It is said in the Quran that God is with those who are patient. Thank God for that. I believe He is with me every step of the way. :)

My prayer to all that may our decisions and actions be dictated with tons of patience and perserverence to get to our end result, to materializing our dreams.


Sep 18, 2008


I've decided to write more about topics that a modern day muslim woman can relate to and learn from. But my confusion is, should I start with a new blog or just continue with this current one??? I want to weigh the pros and cons.

My logic tells me it's better to start with a new one so that I can be organized but my mind is also telling me that I should just make subtle insertions on my current one. Decisions decisions decisions....

Sep 17, 2008

And on day 7 it all began.......

The whole day I was a wreck. Literally never been at my worst. I kept thinking how do I end something that is so obvious that it's not meant to? Going to KLCC was a drag. I was excited but I knew deep down inside I was literally dying. I couldn't hold back the tears when I entered Kinokuniya and saw this book, Turkey+Egypt. I forgot the main title but that was what caught my eye. I was like, damn even the books are making fun of me. Signs?!

I tried to ignore them because I was slowly losing faith. I did still love him but it was an aching pain that one suffers if you knew that you couldn't be together. Pardon me if I sound repetitive, but yea I did mention in my previous posts that we are so connected it's not even funny.

The funny thing was, we were still connected even after the break up. All through this time I just kept feeding positive feelings into what we had, the appreciation of each other, the love, I still had it. My feelings for him started to grow and grow..

My tears were my witness.

In my attempt to spiritually heal myself and do some heavy duty reflecting, I sat in silence speaking to God, begging for mercy.

One thing led to another, as my realizations unfolded and streams of tears rolled down my face I got an unexpected phone call. It was M. Actually I wasn't surprised. But in my heart I felt that throughout the whole week I felt he was looking for excuses to talk to me. I was thinking to myself he must be trying to rub it in or something or don't want to look bad in front of my friends (the drawbacks of an overactive imagination).

We spoke like old friends. Talked about our daily happenings. Our lives. I felt like hanging up because his absence and the love that I had for him overwhelmed me. We both sounded like we were choking. We were talking incessantly. I could breathe easy. It felt so right at the time and I was thinking how come we broke up?

To top it off he did the Istikharah. Which was a prayer when you are having doubts on something and he felt he should break up with me. Isn't that enough of a sign from God that we were not meant to be? And yet...

When we spoke. He said to me that there were so many things that he realized he has done wrong with me and I was shocked because the week was time I took to reflect as well. I told him that I'm glad that God is making me happy.

"Don't I make you happy?" was his reply. I didn't know how to react. My brains are fried from M withdrawals. "The problem was I was depending on you too much to make me happy. I was always blaming you when something was wrong. Demanding too much instead of appreciating what time you give to me." What's the use of wanting to be all the time with someone you don't love? compared to someone you do love? Even every moment counts, I thought to myself.

I just went on an appreciation spree. Just be thankful constantly.

The analogy of a flower would be perfect to illustrate LOVE. Like the seeds of a flower, one must sow and keep at it, loving it, nurturing it, making sure that it has enough water, sun so that it blooms gloriously. You need sh*t too sometimes so that it helps it BLOOM..LOL

That's what love is from my point of view. It takes effort. You can't expect the spark to always be there. You need to keep it burning. :)

We then continued talking about how we were keeping up with fasting I said it's alright. I really did not want to get into anything uncomfortable. What you resist persist. He asked "When are you going to break fast with me?" Okay, I thought, this is going to be awkward. Logically,I wanted to mend my broken heart and the best way was to avoid him but you know sometimes your brain doesn't seem to win in this sort of conflicts. So I said the obvious. "You tell me where and I will meet up with you."

"I want something that you make with your hands."

My heart dropped. A bit demanding are we after breaking up? But then I told my evil nafs to shut up (check out nafs-i-ammara or the commanding self, the one that I told to shut up is called Takkabur aka false pride :P).

I just let my guard down and just became truthful of my heart's wishes. So I said whenever you're free just give me a head's up.

We then started talking about religion. In my heart, again I wanted to hang up because it was too much for me to bear. I knew I still loved him and I couldn't take it. But I just accepted and be contented with what I had. Because I knew I wanted him back. So I bit my lip and continued.

Then I felt something in my heart say to just let God do His work. Being the controlling monster that I was, it was very humbling. Nothing was beyond my reach, but when I embraced the fact that some things were not within my control, I somehow felt liberated. I just had to make do and give effort and let God do the rest.

The next turn of events was somewhat of a miracle. He asked me what I was in my heart and I said that I still loved him and missed him. MY GOD! This was a first from me. I wouldn't have in my right mind do such a thing. Come to think of it what does the mind have to do with matters of the heart. :P

He coaxed me further into saying what else. And I said it wasn't important. His happiness was far more important than mine. =/

He asked what was it, and I just said I'm happy but I could be happier. I told him it would be nice to have him back but it would be selfish of me.

Then he said something which I made him repeat. Because I couldn't believe what he said. I think this song best describes what we were both going through.

God was really being very very very very generous.

Sep 16, 2008

I believe in true love?

As fierce and strong and at times a feminist as I appear to some of my friends (not naming names, points to Fariz), but honestly I am a strong believer in true love.

Us muslims have been told that this world that we live in is a temporary world, but isn't this temporary world meant to be where we bring our memories from here to the After life? where we witness God and share with Him and bear to Him our souls?

I've made some prayers that I've regretted. Pam always said be careful what you wish for. But I did wish for the best. I prayed that if we were not meant to be together that the ties should be severed. The thing is, we can still feel each other. I know that when I suddenly wake up at night he's awake too. When I wake up suddenly it's because he has class to go to. It's called a connection. At times I feel that we could be soulmates. Maybe we just think in the same wave length.

Intan said that when two people are in love they can feel each other. Breathe each other. It's crazy. I told her that I'm going to move on and be over him. It takes time but I'll manage and I have to be strong. If God intended that one day M and I be together again so it shall. But he did give up on the relationship. Due to his studies. I don't want to cause a ruckuss. If this is as good as it gets, I'm thankful and appreciate each moment I have with him.

I can't stand the thought that he might end up with someone else one day. That someone else might have his children and be the one that gets to hold his heart. That him and her share the connection that we once had. It's so painful even to think about it. So I'll just give this thought a full stop here.

But if our love wasn't true love then what was it? Day in day out we would always end up doing the same things, thinking the same thoughts, and even if I lied about my negative thinking, :P he would always know. I feel like I'm about to lose my mind, just thinking that he could be the one but he wasn't, maybe. I'm tired of crying but this is the thing of which drives me nuts, also cleanses me. Aren't those the signs that I'm meant to look out for??

I do believe that I love him and I do believe that he still loves me. In his own quirky way. But when sacrifice is called for, relationships must be severed for the other person's future. It feels bittersweet. Bittersweet at the fact that I'm letting him fly and the fact that I'm not in his life. I guess if we were meant to be together we would have worked out the kinks already. I'm just saddened by the fact that he gave up on us. He still wants to be friends whilst I want a clean break. However I think I would die if I had a clean break. :P

I still have some of his things and the thought of returning them drives me insane. His birthday is coming up as well. I don't think I can ever take another heart ache, but for love. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I didn't live 28 years to not want to know what love is and be afraid. I refuse to. I hope he knew how much I loved him.

Dear God, how I regretted not appreciating him when he was around. Just showing him how much I love him instead of complaining every time. I took it for granted that he would always be there. If I knew that it would end so briefly, I'd show him every moment that I cared, that I loved, and that I was willing to do what it takes to make him happy. That if there was anything that bothered him/me we should always keep in check with each other.

A week before our break up, I was helping him out with his assignments, we took a break and he dedicated the song How do I breathe by Mario. If anyone is familiar with it's about a guy who regretted pushing his love away from him. That he cannot stand to see her with someone else. He kept asking how do I breathe without her.

It's either he had the break up planned or it was some kind of a premonition song. :P But the only difference is he's not asking for my return. *cries*

He can't breathe?! I'm like someone who was on life support and someone's squeezing the tubes. I don't know how higher it can get from this. But for the sake of my sanity and faith, I'll just keep believing. Because I know God is there. He's my only relief in the storm.

Ya Hayy Ya Qayyum.

Salam to my prophet Muhammad.

I love you with all my heart..

Miss Independent

This is going to be my new GO! song! When I listen to it, it really makes me semangat to climb the corporate ladder......LOL But to climb in the correct way tho...I envision myself doing freelance writing for companies writing press releases and researching, planning and managing their Public Relations division...Omigod. So be it!

It's going to be my vision that I will materialize!! :)


Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah

Ooh is something about
Just something about the way she move
I can't figure it out
It's something about her

Say, ooh is something about
Kinda woman that want you but don't need you
Hey, I can't figure it out
It's something about her

'Cause she walk like a boss
Talk like a boss
Manicure nails just set the pedicure off
She's fly effortlessly

And she move like a boss
Do what a boss
Do, she got me thinking about getting involved
That's the kinda girl I need (oh)

She got her own thing
That's why I love her
Miss independent
Won't you come and spend a little time
She got her own thing
That's why I love her
Miss independent
Ooh, the way you shine
Miss independent

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah(ohh)

Ooh there's something about
Kinda woman that can do for herself
I look at her and it makes me proud
There's something about her

Something oh so sexy about
Kinda woman that don't even need my help
She said she got it, she got it (she said she got it, she got it)
No doubt, there's something about her (there's somethin' about her)

'Cause she work like a boss
Play like a boss
Car and the crib she 'bout to pay 'em both off
And bills are payed on time, yeah
She made for a boss <---(to source for my boss! LOL)
Slowly a boss
Anything less she telling them to get lost
That's the girl that's on my mind

She got her own thing
That's why I love her
Miss independent
Won't you come and spend a little time
She got her own thing
That's why I love her
Miss independent
Ooh, the way you shine
Miss independent, yeay

Her favorite thing to say, don't worry I got it
And everything she got best believe she bought it
She gon' steal my heart ain't no doubt about it, girl
You're everything I need
Said you're everything I need

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah

She's got her own thing (oooohoooohhhoh)
That's why I love her (that's why I love her, oh ohh)
Miss independent (independent)
Won't you come and spend a little time (ohh)
She's got her own thing (she got, she got)
That's why I love her (that's why I love that girl)
Miss independent (ohh ohh)
Ooh, the way you shine
Miss independent

Miss independent
That's why I love her

Sep 15, 2008

Break up day 6

Nothing like a good break up to help motivate you into getting to know yourself more and loving every minute of your life! :)

The thing is I don't like to hold on to past hurts. Although it's pretty botchy (original b*tch) but then again life's too short for botchiness.

One thing that I've learnt is to really focus on what I want to do with my life. Not to be rushed into a relationship unless it's like those harlequin-woo-woo-dejavu-I can't live without you kind of things I'm not going to jump into anything. I won't however overlook dating. :P

Honestly, I still love him. I'm just going to let it wear out to one of those I love you as a friend type of things before I can say that I've moved on and ready for something new.

Now, I just want to have fun. Get myself grounded and open my eyes to the whole new world before me. I want to go chase after my star and realize my fullest potential. To do things as Allah wants me to and just reflect on what didn't work in my past relationships. This is the first time in my life where I'm not thinking of getting the one. This is the first time in my life where I am putting myself first and just allowing self love to flow in.

I find it very touching that God still looks out for me. He tests those whom He loves boy do I sure feel loved right now. LOL given the amount of pain. I'm sure it will heal in time.

I still think about M from time to time. But I'm not going to over think things anymore. He was the one who dumped me anyways therefore I trust he knows what he's doing therefore now I gotta get moving and start getting my act together. Post haste!

I guess it's normal to drift to that mode of sadness from time to time. I need to break out from that habit and be more positive than negative. The relationship was really not serving me. Was not really serving us. We're better off as friends.

It also brought me a new realization that there is still much more I need to work on before I get into a new relationship. I won't be ready for one for a long time.

But you never know. You make plans and something else happens. THAT'S LIFE.

p/s sorry for missing out on day 5 I was kind of busy with real life so the usual hecticness of being idle got me carried away :P...

I'm glad that mrs. Moon (period) is going away. I can have some chill time with God. Alhamdulillah.

I've got plans with my friend so I gotta make a move. Need to shower. Ugh. Memories :P

Sep 14, 2008

What do you want? Look from inside of your heart

Ever so often when someone comes to us with a predicament/problem/etc. we offer them advice thinking that we are benefiting them. We lose sight of what the person is really trying to say. We feed them with our logic, of what society deems as logic and close our hearts to theirs, of what they really want.

I'm sure some of us, unfortunately I have been too, governed by our own fears told someone in our lives that their dream was impossible to achieve. We think that by giving them solid "logic" of because it happened to this person I and so you shouldn't do that..that we become dream killers. As blunt as it may sound, murderers. We fail to empower and we hold them small.

We think that the advice will save them the heartache, as protection. We fail to see that we are only stunting their growth and learning process.

I've been in the business of making people's dreams come true and one thing that I have learnt is people only need to believe in themselves and what they are doing. Truth is a very subjective matter. The truth is what one makes of it, of what one wants to believe, is the truth. Therefore it shall happen. God willing.

My friends,

my invitation to you is when someone comes up to you and shares their dreams of the future, regardless of how ridiculous it may sound the only thing that I would want you to question them is, Do you really want it? Will it make you happy? so if they say yes, support them. Don't let your own judgments of their situation dampen what they want.

And for those of you who have dreams, by all means pursue it with all vigour and regardless of how dark the clouds are, how stormy it is, go and get it with unwaivering faith. Blind yourself to the negativity and have the light of positivity, endurance and excellence, or whatever is real for you guide you to materializing your dream(s).

I bid you good luck on your journey towards finding success, freedom, love. Have it as an affirmation and say it everyday until you feel it in your soul, evoking the power within.

I believe in you and your dreams. Now it's time for you to believe in yourself and take inspired action!

Be in creation!

To hate is easy, to love takes courage. Be courageous. Dare! to be different and never submit to the norm.


LOVE AFFIRMATION: I am loved & loving. I am surrounded by love. I easily attract loving people & experiences into my life. I embrace & claim a life filled & overflowing with love. I am greatful for the love that surrounds me. My circle of loving friends continues to expand. Love is what I am. I am a magnet for more & more love. I joyfully express love everyday. I love myself exactly the way I am. I radiate love to everyone & everything. The more love I give the more love I receive. The love in my soul freely & fully expresses itself. Love is all around. Today I release the past & allow the healing of love into my life. I am in love with my life.

My friend Fiona sent me this affirmation. Thanks Fi! Love you... although I don't feel it right now I'm going to keep saying it until it envelops my soul and just lifts me up!



Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.

And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Sep 13, 2008

Break up day 4

Do you believe in love at first sight?

Very interesting question my niece posted on Plurk today. It's not a question that it's out of the norm but still interesting non the less.

WELL......I don't know about you people out there but I don't believe in it. You think that you have love at first sight but it's actually not. It's your hormones talking. SO! stop thinking like a d-k.

Note the bitterness. I am a moody botch and that blinds me from counting my blessings. I guess I just feel shunned from M.

And missing out on coupledom. Not that I am jealous of my friends happiness I just feel that how come I can't have the same thing? When the f-k is it my turn?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay!!!!!!!!! Queen Botch.................


Well I thought it was my f-king turn until everything collapsed and it got snatched from me. Now I remember how it feels like to be on the receiving end of a dump hole.

My itchy hands texted him last night with no reply. Everything on my face was twitching I wondered what it was. Yea well I somehow thought that we were again connected (vomit) and that something bad happened to him. Apparently not. I don't know it could be that he got sensitive when I logged off the moment he logged in. As if he ever noticed if I was online. He doesn't even twitch.

Come to think of it, he's not that stupid and if he did love me the way he did he would find ways to contact me. Am I being petty? Yea so he still is studying but we do have MSN if he wanted so much to be thrifty or whatever. He could have said ok baby I am just leaving u a msg to say I'm okay and I'm pretty busy. I didn't ask for a f-king essay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate it when I get like this. He just had to choose the first day of my period to break up with me. Isn't that awesome?!

I just want to focus on the bad things so that I can move on with my life.

If you think I'm a b*tch go ahead.

This is the botch chronicles anyways.

Truth of the matter is I still love you. Maybe less. Dear GODDDDDDDD!!!!!


Sep 12, 2008

The spiritual walk

When I went with Faslin to KLCC, Alhamdulillah I had the time of my life. I never realized that I could find such an affinity in such a short notice. She was strong, bubbly, fun and very open. We went shopping, testing out perfumes, books, etc.

As we sat at the rack where they displayed Islamic books we started talking about our loves. Or rather, unrequitted loves? Allahualam.

Previously before I came I was sourcing for something to make me happy. Surprise surprise. God loves me! There in front of me was You Can Be The Happiest Woman In The World, A Treasure Chest Reminders by Dr. Aid al-Qarni.

I can't say much but it's the best read I've had so far and I'm not even half way through it!! It really helps me deal with the complicated being which is I, digging into the roots of how women think and how to breakthrough from some habits (jealousy, anger, moodiness, anxiety...etc) in accordance to Islam.

I notice it keeps mentioning chastity in the hijab (head gear). Wow. Well...slow and steady wins the race. LOL

Before I decide to cover my head I need to stop being a smoke engine. :P

I shall not ruin your experience any further.


Can't wait to go out with Faslin again!


Reunited lyrics by Peaches & herb

Album: Non album tracks

I was a fool to ever leave your side
Me minus you is such a lonely ride
That breakup we had
Has made me lonesome and sad
I realize I love you
'Cause I want you back
Hey, hey

I spent the evening with the radio
Regret the moment that I let you go
Our quarrel was such
A way of learning so much
I know now that I love you
'Cause I need your touch
Hey, hey

Reunited, and it feels so good
Reunited, 'cause we understood
There's one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited
'Cause we're reunited
Hey, hey

I sat here, staring at the same old wall
Came back to life just when I got your call
I wished I could climb
Right through the telephone line
And give you what you want
So you would still be mine
Hey, hey

I can't go cheatin', honey; I can't play
I found it very hard to stay away
As we reminisce
On precious moments like this
I'm glad we're back together
'Cause I missed your kiss
Hey, hey

(Repeat chorus)

Lover, lover, this is sudden love
And you're exactly what I'm dreamin' of
All through the day
And all through the night
I'll give you all the love I have
With all my might
Hey, hey

(Repeat chorus)

Break up day 3

You know just when you thought things would be different. Your heart aches like nobody's business and you're only left with this surrendering and humbling situation to love someone. And yes. It is beyond your control.

I still love him.


Sep 11, 2008


Ari: Arwarya Rai (but of course!)
Pam:Azizah Kapoor
Musa: Musa Roshan
Fiona: Fifi Mukherji
Arif: Arif Bachan
Ru: Ru Chopra
Khaled: Khaled Diksha
Fas: Faslina Kapoor
Summer: Summani
Mura: Mura Khan
Queeny: Queeny Zinta

Okay so I just felt like assigning names today since I am feeling very d bollywood.. LOL

And because I need to keep my mind occupied

Sep 10, 2008

My dude wish list.

I kept a dude wish list before and it did come true and since the current one did not come through I realized I forgot to include a couple of things lol...

So here goes.

1. God fearing (Muslim of course-sunni LOL)
2. Kind hearted
3. Handsome (devastatingly handsome...LOL)
4. Taller than I am (and by I mean tall not the thickness of the hair and a baldy by choice)
5. Tanned
6. Loyal
7. Wise
8. Intelligent
9. Funny
10. Exciting
11. Financially stable (and ready to marry me anytime he wishes LOL)
12. Understanding
13. Compassionate
14. Health conscious
15. Truly loves me and thinks I'm the hottest chic on the planet
16. Cultured
17. Well mannered
18. FUN!
19. Spontaneous
20. Leadership skills
21. Philanthropic
22. Did I already say handsome? devastatingly handsome? LOL
23. Eloquent
24. Do anything for me
26. Gives me space

Well I'll keep updating my dude wish list...I need to think some more. hehe



What about now?

Shadows fill an empty heart
As love is fading,
From all the things that we are
But are not saying.
Can we see beyond the scars
And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.
And open up to
The ways you made me feel alive,
The ways I loved you.
For all the things that never died,
To make it through the night,
Love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,
I am yours.

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

This song really hits home to me. Thank you Chris Daughtry

Break up day 2

I was checking the proximity of my living room to see whether the coast was clear. Wanted to see whether Pam was distracted enough to not notice that I was going to sneak into my room and give him a ring.

A couple of seconds after that devious thought my phone rang and I saw a fixed line number. Who on earth could be calling me at this hour? From a land line some more.

Lo and behold it was none other than the one that inhabits my soul. (So I'm feeling a bit poetic give me a break). I almost had the shock of my life. We were talking about returning each other's stuff and what not. He was in the middle of reading the Secret and he said he had this book with him. I told him to finish reading it first. I'm in no rush to get it back.

At times I feel that my purpose is in life was to make him happy. I still love him tremendously and I don't know how to cope with this loss. I just have to move on. I thought that it was my destiny to be with him but sometimes God has other plans. Who am I a mere mortal to fight such a plan?

Deep down I feel that he doesn't love me the way I do him. But he begged to differ. He wished that he could lie to make me feel better. But that wasn't possible according to him. His love was there but the sacrifice was for his future. Why can't I be the one who is in his future? the one that grows old with him and shares our ups and lows together?

But a good friend of mine told me yesterday it's true love when it feels right. For me it doesn't feel right because I don't love the way he loves me. I'm sure he does love me but I just have different needs. And sure he does as well.

I'm slowly beginning to understand what it is that makes my heart melt. One thing's for sure this love was the best one so far because I gave it my best. And I'm certain in the future I can give a lot more to the next person who comes into my life.

It's a tragic love that you know that you love one another but because of different characters that you can't be together. Honestly he still has a special place in my heart.

We both gave each other 100% of our love. And it didn't work out. Well. That's life. He taught me not to be afraid to speak my mind, I remember how he would say "Speak from inside of your heart" and he was the one who brought me closer to God and my prophet and I can never forget him for that.

On a student's budget he still took the time to take me out on fancy eateries and threw a big birthday bash for me. *sniff*

I used to wear sexy clothes now I'm mostly covered and I feel so liberated because I am not judged on superficial reasons but rather for me as a person.

I remembered how he used to roar and tell me to change my clothes when it was too revealing..LOL

There are other millions of things that he has done for me but too personal to blog about. I'll just cherish it in my heart. Something to smile about when the rainy days come.

He's the warmest soul I've ever met. Well he did have his dark side but who doesn't?

I wasn't blinded, I just loved all of it because I saw that in me as well.

He was my reflection. My mirror.

But well one never knows what to expect in this lifetime. When you think you know everything. God throws you something else. Throw my soulmate my way please... :) *hehe*

I'm honestly a bit pooped from the relationship arena. Me thinks me needs to work on other areas of my life. And learn to juggle all of them equally.

I used to say that I can't do more than one thing at once. But given the circumstance and what I want, if ever I wanted to have a family and career..okay just a family let's say I have to juggle between my husband and my kids. That's already two right there.

Well I'm going to give that thought a rest. I'm now thinking of ways on how to improve myself. Acquire skill and knowledge.

But who knows?

Next thing you know I'll be posting my baby's pics up here.

God is funny that way.


Break up day 1.5

I just let out a loud scream just to let my frustrations out. My neighbours probably think I lost it.

What better way to top the realization of frustrations when I noticed that I turned my jewelry box into an ashtray. At least I have a pretty ashtray.

Pam is on the phone while doing her assignments and browsing through Friendster. It has been awhile since I went into Friendster. The last time I went in there I lost most of my contacts due to my inactivity. Well I've always been a patron of fubar and facebook anyways.

Going back to break up day 1.5, I tried to soothe my hurt by listening to John Legend on Youtube. He has never failed to cheer me up. Not until now. Not mentioning the fact that he already has a girfriend. Not like I would have any chances anyways but it helps to know that your idol is single :P.

But regardless I am happy for them. I'm not exactly jumping for joy but I'm still happy nontheless.

Had my best friend Maeghan call me all the way from the states today. We were discussing on politics, saying that the states is not yet ready to have an African American president although I would love to have Obama win. And how her friend almost vacuumed Diva (Maeghan's dog) into oblivion. Don't call the SPCA just yet. It was an honest mistake. She thought it was nature's defacataion and wanted to only help.

I miss him terribly. I am so tempted to call him and ask how he is. It hurts when the reason that you had to break up was because priorities were at stake and that you still loved each other. Nothing could suck more. I am not sourcing for any more sucky things to happen this is more than enough suckiness that I can handle.

My heart is hoping that he would call. Show that he still cared. Somehow tell me that things are still okay between us. I don't know. Still have this hope that someday we would cross paths as a couple again. Things would be different by then. In my mind I'd see us as successful and rekindling lost love and all the bladiblah that you see on romantic comedies.

I'm holding back my tears as I write this. When I see the couples around me and how they love one another I can't help but want that for me and him as well. Maybe I was too pushy and demanding.

I kept questioning his love that it turned out to be like this. Probably it's God way of punishing me because I wasn't grateful with what I had.

It would help if he had some kind of deformity. I am shallow to an extent. Unfortunately in my eyes he's devastatingly handsome. Even if he did and not that I am asking for it, I would still love him. REGARDLESS.

I have this feeling that some of my readers would think that why would I waste my time loving someone who doesn't love me back? My question would be, why would I be wasting time loving someone I don't? or rather, why should I be lying to myself since this is what I am feeling?

I still love you baby. Really. Forever & ever.


Break up day 1

Nothing like a f*cking break up to screw you in the head. What's worst or rather I say best is that I still love him.

Was sitting in the living room earlier this morning, since I had my period I had the freedom to eat and drink and smoke. I only did the 3rd one. I was reduced to smoking rollies since I was too lazy to go downstairs and get myself packets. It was so tedious that I felt like dumping the whole packet of tobacco on my carpet, roll it up and smoke that instead.

Obviously I look like a train wreck. This is the kind of train wreck that would be the by product of trains from all train companies combined.

I cried myself to sleep. Woke up. Looked in the mirror, cried some more, looked out the window, cried more. Was trying so much to comfort myself but that didn't work. I tried telling myself that okay that it was just a bad dream and I'd wake up from it. NO. It's real. The pain. REAL.

Tried to hate him but it would only lead me back to thinking about the good old times. BLACH.
And even at the attempt of hate my chest would constrict and all ability to control my emotions fail. I feel as vulnerable as a turtle that lost it's shell.

I caught myself calling his name out today a couple of times. Was too embarrassed to have my housemate hear it so I went to my room and did whatever I needed to do there. It's as if I lost all bodily functions?

Seriously at this point of time I don't need to hear that I'll get someone better and all that jazz. I just want to have the freedom to feel what I am feeling and condolences is the last thing that I want to hear. Nobody freaking died.

Just probably will think of things that I could do to occupy my time.

Love hurts. But it's the best kind of hurt in the world imaginable. Kind of like your heart being dumped in toxic acidic waste and has a blender at the bottom. And the whole process repeats itself until you decide that you're over it and want to move on.

Oh yea I want to grieve so please no comments about moving on and life goes on. I am enjoying my misery.

The irony is that this year has all been about planning people's weddings, and helping with my own niece's wedding and yet ironically I am licking my break up wounds at the same time.

I'll talk about fruity tasted rain drops, fluffy bunnies and cotton candy trees when I'm in the mood.

For now I think I'm just going to keep count of how many days, weeks months it takes for me to get over this breakup. As you can see from the title. But I'll still write about other things. I'm just giving you guys a heads up.

Dear God when will this torment ever end?


Sep 8, 2008

Soul therapy

My soul feels that it needed some love.

So by some glorified presence from God above that I decided to say hello to my friend N. I was making a comment of how cute his daughter is and how long it has been since we have spoken.

Our stories dated back to prehistoric times of how it was like in school (primary school that is) and then asking about each other's well being. He was always a friend that I didn't talk to much but was accessible and helpful everytime I needed it.

He then gave me this link on this one imam reciting the Quran. O my goodness. My chest that felt constricted from anger suddenly loosened up and I just melted.

Literally I felt at peace after that.

There's nothing better than a good reciting to make you feel better.

Sep 7, 2008

My mission

I know this is going to sound insane but I am going to slowly cut down poultry and meats out of my life.

Probably turn vegetarian for a while. I don't know how this is going to turn out but at least I'm doing something that I see as adventurous?

I'm not going to be so strict about it though. But I'm just probably going to have like high intakes of vegetables and fruits. NYUM!

I was inspired by Kris Carr (read my previous blog crazy sexy cancer) to love my veggies! hehe..

It'll do me and my baby good anyways since we both want to reach our ideal weight and look great like super duper mega stars! :) LOL

Jangan mare...stay tuned


Sep 6, 2008

PUTATAN! My first stranger KK visitor :)

Hey someone from my hometown Kota Kinabalu!

Macam mana juga sesat sampai sini..hehe :)

~hi~ jemput2...tiada kuih mau dikasih...puasa bah

Is it intuition or just gas?

1: quick and ready insight2 a: immediate apprehension or cognition b: knowledge or conviction gained by intuition c: the power or faculty of attaining to direct knowledge or cognition without evident rational thought and inference.

Courtesy of

So. Have you ever had a twitch or this gnawing at your gut that something bad was going to happen but you didn't know what? I've been getting these things a lot as of lately. To top it off I've been feeling fearful. And I would hope that this is gas instead of my intuition. Sighs

The trials of Ramadhan. I feel comfort that the silver lining to this is that I can breakthrough of this fear and come to terms with whatever my gut says. I also have comfort that The Almighty is on my side.

By the way I'm just going to rule it off as just gas because at the end of the day I am the maker of my own destiny :)

Thank God I didn't put so much garlic on the chicken last night :P



So after breaking fast my friends and I decided to watch movie impromptu. Given the technology that we have, you would have thought that we could order our tickets through our phones. According to our respective applications the seats were full. Yea right. Hey IT students you need to work on the problems to debug the existing software because it's still not serving the consumers!...(BABY? LOL)

We had to queue up when we reached there but it was worth the wait.

The movie was fantastic and the twists were phenomenal. Being a film graduate I was quite skeptical because it took too long to start but I guess it was firm and logical character build up.

Mad props to the writers Mark Bomback, Jason Keller and Patrick Marber for the beautiful plot!!

Actors weren't too shabby as well. Strong cast of Ewan McGregor and Hugh Jackman and a couple of hot ladies :P I know the boys would love this. hehe

I would give the movie 4 out of 5 because of the great twists!

Go watch the movie! Highly recommended.

Sep 5, 2008

Crazy sexy Cancer

Naturally I'm always bored, looking for some new thing online when I decided to go on youtube and lo and behold I saw the featured video.

Crazy Sexy Cancer.

It was really catchy because I was thinking it was some kind of porn clip that strayed into youtube but when I read the description it drew me more to watch it.

Its a documentary about Kris Carr, who is inflicted with a rare liver cancer and her "adventures" with it.

Very touching. It's a different take on how people address the disease. She's very inspirational and I adored every bit of it. I just wished that the people I loved whom I lost to cancer saw this.

I feel like a jerk for complaining about my own life. :P (Usually comes during PMS time) Just learnt that there are a lot of things in life to be happy about :)...

And if there isn't, I'll just find them! So go out there and get your own happiness!!

Sep 4, 2008

Nagging beyond the grave

I found it funny that I felt sleepy especially the first couple of nights during this Ramadhan month I had insomnia issues. Then I drifted...

According to our religion, souls are free to roam and visit during this month.

Then in the dream I saw my late grandmother and a couple of people who have passed on and are still alive, we were all women sitting together at what seems like a village dining area, I was quite happy seeing the spread, all the food that was there was what my late grandmother was famous for. Including her soup kaki ayam (chicken <--well this is an acquired taste so bear with me). My late aunt was saying to me "You know when are you going to get married you're getting older by the minute" I went and signalled by late grandmother to offer moral support but she also agreed with my aunt's statement. Sighs

They say it like I have a money tree and can get men off the shelf. Hey let's go Cold Storage and get us a nice piece of man. Whaddya say?

Awwww..they ran out on the John Legend look alike ones maybe we can get it at Carrefour :P

Jom! Jom!

So easy meh?

Well this is just for the sake of saying, not that I'd like the John Legend one. (Woit bulan puasa takleh menipu..kihkih)

I think I've out used the word Insyallah for this issue. =/

Like it isn't enough that we are already struggling to make it happen.


Well if it's meant for us to be together mudah2an murah la rezeki cik abang I tu leh datang meminangkan (God willing my bf has more than enough resources to come and get me!).


Don't forget my lamborghini ok baby :P

All together now! Loud and clear!



Well it's pretty obvious with the title what I'm going to write about.

The first time Tabs told me she was going to have a baby I almost passed out! Oh my Lordie! Thank God I didn't keel over I would've hurt myself.

My first god baby ever.

Tabs told me that she's in her second trimester. 13 weeks and 1/2 to be exact.

I'm ecstatic and can't wait to meet him/her or rather, see pics. LOL

They're in the states you see so well unless I suddenly hit the jackpot job (sourcing) I doubt that I'll be going there anytime soon. But let's just hope I do.

I got to know Tabs through this website called fubar. An online bar to be exact. IF anyone is unfamiliar with it, it used to be called lost cherry then cherry tap? Still nothing? Nevermind.

To my defence, I used to frequent it when I was single and bored. Used to be addicted to it actually. hehe

Now that we're both busy with our own lives we barely get to talk let alone go fubaring, but when we do we have so much stuff to share! hehe...

Still I can't believe that she's having a baby!!

No people this does not entitle you to ask me when's my turn.

In good time. It will come. :) In a red lamborghini. LOL

Here are the pics.





You know I'm just kidding right? teehee.. Wish you guys all the luck in the world!! Mwuakssssssss.. I'm so happy I'm beyond words. This has made my day.

Sep 3, 2008

Have you seen my modjo?

Not the monkey from Powerpuff Girls.

My zest. That thing that makes me magical.

I seem to have lost it. I guess abuse of modjo has finally taken its toll. My modjo has packed its bags and left for a vacation.

Bye Modjo...See you


The inspiration from this post comes from John Mayer's song Say.

Growing up, I was taught that if you didn't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. This of course didn't come from home as my parents were quite open minded about saying your mind. It was different as I entered the hell gates of primary school.

As surprising as some might find this statement, I was rather timid and awkward. I was playful though and it did what others did. Anyways, my first brush with saying sugary lies was when I was commenting on the condition of the fences at the school. It was kind of dodgy and sharp and someone could get hurt. The teacher who heard me comment said "Eh if you think you're so great go into a private school lah"

I was shocked at her remark but didn't care much because in my mind it was what I thought so what?

Then I came into university and the very same thing happened. It was one of those journalism classes (Journalism's my minor) and we had to debate about this topic on derogatory language in newspapers in the international scene. It was normal in Malaysia to find people posting ads for let's say Kadazan, 28, female but not overseas because it was considered prejudice.

It went from the ads to an American newspaper that used the word black in one of their columns. I then proceeded to say that that's not possible in this day and age because black is well in ethical terms, a BAD word. The moron(lecturer) said that it's okay because they are used to it. USED TO IT?! Gila ke apa...

My African friends and I went ballistic and argued to the extent one of my friends walked out of the class because she couldn't stand how stupid he was. Saddened by my friend's reaction "You know there is such a thing as civil rights" I blurted. He shot the look of death to me and gave me a C+ for that class. *rolls eyes*

At that point of time I didn't think I was rude and I sure as the sky is blue knew that I at least deserved a B.

Those incidents were just the few from the many that I have encountered. I'm sure that there are many out there who have experienced arguments and when they knew they were fighting a losing battle they just started to pick on you until you kept quiet. Very mature. Either that or give you the silent treatment.

Seriously, not a day goes by that I don't worry about many creative minds stunted having faced a similar plight to mine. And this is just at the micro level.

In some countries, which I am not obliged to mention, someone could get imprisoned just by speaking their mind or voicing out their anguish about the current government system.

Whatever happened to democracy and freedom of speech? It's a dead term like Latin is dead to language.

How can someone truly know the true value of his/herself without having honest feedback from others? Makes me wonder how many times I've been walking around the mall feeling I was the most gorgeous thing in sight (lol.) only to have a booger that is hanging out of my nose and no one bothers to tell me about it.

There's a thin line between honesty and animosity though. In my opinion, one can say the truth without hurting the other person's feelings if their intentions were clear enough. Even if it was hurtful tone does play an important factor. I guess that etiquette and down to earth manners also play a role in speaking the truth.

I know I'm guilty for this as well.

There's plenty of times where I let things slide between myself and others. Them saying hurtful things to me. And many of those times I wanted to fight back but hesitated. Slowly I was resenting them and I ended up torturing myself.

Am I a sucker for pain??

But I guess all those years of turmoil have gotten me to where am I today. A laser mouth chic with an attitude to match!

For as long as I can remember, after times spent on reflecting the workings that is Ari (me), I have come to terms with the fact that hey you know there will always be smart mouths as*es out there. I've just got to step up to it.

I've always like made up good comebacks in my mind during the times where I couldn't or was too blur/shocked/anguished/disappointed/etc/all of the above to retaliate. Bah!...

Anyways I've got a good collection of comebacks anyhow. My brain just needs to work faster. hehe

Food for thought.

Sep 2, 2008

A day in the life of a lovesick blog junkie



1. A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2. A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
1. Sexual passion.
2. Sexual intercourse.
3. A love affair.

Why did the American Heritage dictionary have to come up with such a long definition?? Just call it PENYAKIT! (disease)

(Jeff Thomas is uber talented! i <3 style="font-style: italic;"> Asap la api...........embun la berderai, patah galah haluan perahu, niat dihati tak mahu bercerai...Siti MMS, kuasa Allah tuan, kuasa Allah, siapa yang tahu...

Is it raining yet?

Wonders never cease what love can do to you. It can either make or break you. Ya la...aku la tue...nak cakap pasal siapa lagi kan.

I suddenly remembered this one advice a friend gave me. If you want to know whether he loves you. TEST HIM. I'm like Huh? Test? I thought my days of tests and exams were over the moment I threw my graduation cap to the skies.

Yea at times I do wonder whether he does really love me. Let's just hope he doesn't decide to read this post yea? :P

But I guess occasional litmus tests won't hurt. It's only normal I think in the coupling world called LOVE. I think it's ridiculous that you have to make tests to see whether the person loves you or not. It's either you love him or not. VICE VERSA. Plain and simple. Why should we complicate things?

I wonder whether my new found friends Bubbly and her beau Seth face similar problems during their courtship. I just got to know them yesterday so I don't know whether they would be okay with me asking them about their love life. LOL

Worst case scenario Seth would be saying

Nak mampos ke ape? >.<

I have these voices in my head that say "Dah dah le, jangan la merepek lagi please, engkau ni dah la tak cukup tido, bulan puasa plaks, tak habis2 memalukan umat"

"Ala ko ni, aku nak merapu suka hati aku la blog aku pe, ko gak yang nak sangat minum coffee sampai dua packet nyer kaw. feel my blogerificness!"
would be the rhetort of the other one.

Tolong la Malaysia


Anyways let's return to normal mode please. The idea is to gain traffic not scare people away. :P

A friend of mine said that love causes emotional storms. I think those words are deep *phew*. My memory fails me as usual but I'll try my best to recollect it. Actually the saying was like:

My mind cannot rest for it is thinking about you constantly, my heart aches because it misses you terribly and all the distress of not having you is causing an emotional storm inside of me.

Ya rabbi. Madah ke lagi tu?

Props to the Arabs for coming up with something sweet like this :P... *Reaches for diabetes medication*

As much kutuking(make fun) as I would give it, I totally and honest to God feel like this.

And if that wasn't enough I've also caught the Gilabayangitis: root word gila bayang (kinda like the mirage affect in deserts where you see an oasis only that you see mirages of him the oasis that is he *awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww*).

He tells me that every car that's of the same brand as mine (not telling you lot what I drive!) he will think it's me. (So typical of guy to think of car)

If not for praying and zikr and the fasting month, dah lama masuk Bukit Padang (sepupu dua kali kepada nenek Hospital Tanjung Rambutan :P aka insane asylum)

Lepas tu if I get memory recall like those nice moments together pandai senyum-senyum sendiri......Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...

I still wonder whether after several years of loving each other these symptoms still persist?

The I can't stand being apart from you that it drives me crazy!....OR OR I can't breathe...

No Air.........No Air........... LOL

With the up most regret and I repent from making fun of love sick monkeys.

For now I am one too...

See...I even googled up a photo to prove it.

God knows who's wedding cake it is. I think it's cute because MMS and I are both born in the year of the Monkey.

I guess those who know zodiacs can identify with a Monkey's drama. Now it's double.


So if you guys ever wondered what it would be like to be in love. This would be a taste of the turmoil in your mind and every ounce of your being!!

I thought I'd just share :)

Misery loves company... LOL


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.