Sep 17, 2008

And on day 7 it all began.......

The whole day I was a wreck. Literally never been at my worst. I kept thinking how do I end something that is so obvious that it's not meant to? Going to KLCC was a drag. I was excited but I knew deep down inside I was literally dying. I couldn't hold back the tears when I entered Kinokuniya and saw this book, Turkey+Egypt. I forgot the main title but that was what caught my eye. I was like, damn even the books are making fun of me. Signs?!

I tried to ignore them because I was slowly losing faith. I did still love him but it was an aching pain that one suffers if you knew that you couldn't be together. Pardon me if I sound repetitive, but yea I did mention in my previous posts that we are so connected it's not even funny.

The funny thing was, we were still connected even after the break up. All through this time I just kept feeding positive feelings into what we had, the appreciation of each other, the love, I still had it. My feelings for him started to grow and grow..

My tears were my witness.

In my attempt to spiritually heal myself and do some heavy duty reflecting, I sat in silence speaking to God, begging for mercy.

One thing led to another, as my realizations unfolded and streams of tears rolled down my face I got an unexpected phone call. It was M. Actually I wasn't surprised. But in my heart I felt that throughout the whole week I felt he was looking for excuses to talk to me. I was thinking to myself he must be trying to rub it in or something or don't want to look bad in front of my friends (the drawbacks of an overactive imagination).

We spoke like old friends. Talked about our daily happenings. Our lives. I felt like hanging up because his absence and the love that I had for him overwhelmed me. We both sounded like we were choking. We were talking incessantly. I could breathe easy. It felt so right at the time and I was thinking how come we broke up?

To top it off he did the Istikharah. Which was a prayer when you are having doubts on something and he felt he should break up with me. Isn't that enough of a sign from God that we were not meant to be? And yet...

When we spoke. He said to me that there were so many things that he realized he has done wrong with me and I was shocked because the week was time I took to reflect as well. I told him that I'm glad that God is making me happy.

"Don't I make you happy?" was his reply. I didn't know how to react. My brains are fried from M withdrawals. "The problem was I was depending on you too much to make me happy. I was always blaming you when something was wrong. Demanding too much instead of appreciating what time you give to me." What's the use of wanting to be all the time with someone you don't love? compared to someone you do love? Even every moment counts, I thought to myself.

I just went on an appreciation spree. Just be thankful constantly.

The analogy of a flower would be perfect to illustrate LOVE. Like the seeds of a flower, one must sow and keep at it, loving it, nurturing it, making sure that it has enough water, sun so that it blooms gloriously. You need sh*t too sometimes so that it helps it BLOOM..LOL

That's what love is from my point of view. It takes effort. You can't expect the spark to always be there. You need to keep it burning. :)

We then continued talking about how we were keeping up with fasting I said it's alright. I really did not want to get into anything uncomfortable. What you resist persist. He asked "When are you going to break fast with me?" Okay, I thought, this is going to be awkward. Logically,I wanted to mend my broken heart and the best way was to avoid him but you know sometimes your brain doesn't seem to win in this sort of conflicts. So I said the obvious. "You tell me where and I will meet up with you."

"I want something that you make with your hands."

My heart dropped. A bit demanding are we after breaking up? But then I told my evil nafs to shut up (check out nafs-i-ammara or the commanding self, the one that I told to shut up is called Takkabur aka false pride :P).

I just let my guard down and just became truthful of my heart's wishes. So I said whenever you're free just give me a head's up.

We then started talking about religion. In my heart, again I wanted to hang up because it was too much for me to bear. I knew I still loved him and I couldn't take it. But I just accepted and be contented with what I had. Because I knew I wanted him back. So I bit my lip and continued.

Then I felt something in my heart say to just let God do His work. Being the controlling monster that I was, it was very humbling. Nothing was beyond my reach, but when I embraced the fact that some things were not within my control, I somehow felt liberated. I just had to make do and give effort and let God do the rest.

The next turn of events was somewhat of a miracle. He asked me what I was in my heart and I said that I still loved him and missed him. MY GOD! This was a first from me. I wouldn't have in my right mind do such a thing. Come to think of it what does the mind have to do with matters of the heart. :P

He coaxed me further into saying what else. And I said it wasn't important. His happiness was far more important than mine. =/

He asked what was it, and I just said I'm happy but I could be happier. I told him it would be nice to have him back but it would be selfish of me.

Then he said something which I made him repeat. Because I couldn't believe what he said. I think this song best describes what we were both going through.

God was really being very very very very generous.

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.