As fierce and strong and at times a feminist as I appear to some of my friends (not naming names, points to Fariz), but honestly I am a strong believer in true love.
Us muslims have been told that this world that we live in is a temporary world, but isn't this temporary world meant to be where we bring our memories from here to the After life? where we witness God and share with Him and bear to Him our souls?
I've made some prayers that I've regretted. Pam always said be careful what you wish for. But I did wish for the best. I prayed that if we were not meant to be together that the ties should be severed. The thing is, we can still feel each other. I know that when I suddenly wake up at night he's awake too. When I wake up suddenly it's because he has class to go to. It's called a connection. At times I feel that we could be soulmates. Maybe we just think in the same wave length.
Intan said that when two people are in love they can feel each other. Breathe each other. It's crazy. I told her that I'm going to move on and be over him. It takes time but I'll manage and I have to be strong. If God intended that one day M and I be together again so it shall. But he did give up on the relationship. Due to his studies. I don't want to cause a ruckuss. If this is as good as it gets, I'm thankful and appreciate each moment I have with him.
I can't stand the thought that he might end up with someone else one day. That someone else might have his children and be the one that gets to hold his heart. That him and her share the connection that we once had. It's so painful even to think about it. So I'll just give this thought a full stop here.
But if our love wasn't true love then what was it? Day in day out we would always end up doing the same things, thinking the same thoughts, and even if I lied about my negative thinking, :P he would always know. I feel like I'm about to lose my mind, just thinking that he could be the one but he wasn't, maybe. I'm tired of crying but this is the thing of which drives me nuts, also cleanses me. Aren't those the signs that I'm meant to look out for??
I do believe that I love him and I do believe that he still loves me. In his own quirky way. But when sacrifice is called for, relationships must be severed for the other person's future. It feels bittersweet. Bittersweet at the fact that I'm letting him fly and the fact that I'm not in his life. I guess if we were meant to be together we would have worked out the kinks already. I'm just saddened by the fact that he gave up on us. He still wants to be friends whilst I want a clean break. However I think I would die if I had a clean break. :P
I still have some of his things and the thought of returning them drives me insane. His birthday is coming up as well. I don't think I can ever take another heart ache, but for love. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I didn't live 28 years to not want to know what love is and be afraid. I refuse to. I hope he knew how much I loved him.
Dear God, how I regretted not appreciating him when he was around. Just showing him how much I love him instead of complaining every time. I took it for granted that he would always be there. If I knew that it would end so briefly, I'd show him every moment that I cared, that I loved, and that I was willing to do what it takes to make him happy. That if there was anything that bothered him/me we should always keep in check with each other.
A week before our break up, I was helping him out with his assignments, we took a break and he dedicated the song How do I breathe by Mario. If anyone is familiar with it's about a guy who regretted pushing his love away from him. That he cannot stand to see her with someone else. He kept asking how do I breathe without her.
It's either he had the break up planned or it was some kind of a premonition song. :P But the only difference is he's not asking for my return. *cries*
He can't breathe?! I'm like someone who was on life support and someone's squeezing the tubes. I don't know how higher it can get from this. But for the sake of my sanity and faith, I'll just keep believing. Because I know God is there. He's my only relief in the storm.
Ya Hayy Ya Qayyum.
Salam to my prophet Muhammad.
I love you with all my heart..
WHAT I LIVE BY
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.