Jan 25, 2009

song writer's block

I'm struggling to write the chorus to my song that I started working on 2 weeks back, then I thought, well why not find a title first? The problem there's no word strong enough to carry it (yea obsessive perfection I know) and well the inspiration was way back when I was on my "cooling off period". Now that things are hot again in the love department the feelings are stuck in the chest.

Not that I am complaining!!! I'll figure out some other alternative on getting inspired. Some parts of my soul is in this song! I just can't Webster-Merriem the title into existence. I wish I could. Ya Allah send me a muse. INSPIRE ME!!

I've been tossing and turning, the song is due by 2nd February, it's still in shambles and I've been at it ever since I said I was going to settle it. Don't get me wrong I have the passion and the drive but why is it taking such a long time to come to me?!

I think I just need some zen peace. Those kind of meditative states can really do wonders for a person. Especially those people like MOI who's in the *I'M STUCK* category. I was telling my friend it's like an orgasm that has been waiting for neons to come out. I know it sounds crude, but it's here in my heart now waiting to explode to a song. I can seriously feel it. Or I could just be delusional and that actually it's just gas.

Whstever it is, I need some kind of break.. a mental break. My poor mind is going through so much and wasting so much brain fuel it's not even funny. I guess it's the focus that I lack, I'm like this person who always jumps to the next best thing and end up not finishing what I started.

Not that I don't intend to finish it, I just am lacking the know how. Probably I need to hang around finishers to get the idea of a finished product. I need support and people to kick my butt when I'm like this. lol

Self-discipline would also work in times like this.

Do the declared.

Help........... *cries*

Jan 24, 2009


I googled love jones because I was thinking about him. Suddenly this quote popped out from the actual movie LOVE JONES (1997):-

Nina Mosley: You always want what you want when you want it. Why is everything so urgent with you?
Darius Lovehall: Let me tell you somethin'. This here, right now, at this very moment, is all that matters to me. I love you. That's urgent like a motherfu*ker.

Another conversation that reminded me of urgency was the one I had with Buq, a good friend of mine. The way he puts it, it made me see urgency like a trigger that you need to constantly pull. Whatever pops into your head/gut, just do it. Because a past moment will never return, so is an idea, what I discovered by urgency I get full satisfaction of saying what I need to say and build up confidence as I go along.

I address my issues on the spot and I don't let my brain store any negative memories, I notice supressed angst or disatisfaction is like a poison that could contribute in sabotaging my relationships and in the end sabotage myself. Essentially, I use my time to the fullest and constantly be present. I am a person of action..

I'm always talking about not wasting energy, water, money and what nots, but what about time? isn't that a valuable commodity as well?

So that's what I do always now. Tell the people I love I love them everyday, coz I don't know when I get the chance to say it again and it's just not by saying I love you but by making a difrerence in their lives as well. When I think about it, communicating honestly and truthfully is the only way to go. No second guessing, hesitating, and of course being urgent about it...

Coz it is, urgent like a motherf*cker :)

Remember you don't have tomorrow..You only have today...this moment. What are you waiting for?

Karma.........what goes around comes around


the law of karma, says only this: `for every event that occurs, there will follow another event whose existence was caused by the first, and this second event will be pleasant or unpleasant according as its cause was skillful or unskillful.' A skillful event is one that is not accompanied by craving, resistance or delusions; an unskillful event is one that is accompanied by any one of those things. (Events are not skillful in themselves, but are so called only in virtue of the mental events that occur with them.)
Therefore, the law of Karma teaches that responsibility for unskillful actions is born by the person who commits them.

Source: http://www.ncf.ca/freenet/rootdir/menus/sigs/religion/buddhism/introduction/truths/karma2.html

Basically, what goes around comes back around.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Not that I’ve decided to switch religions or anything just taking some teachings. And! as a matter of fact thinking is all I ever do now. The past years of my existence on earth has got me doing a lot of that. Aimless drifting and according to some speculated observation by my beloved, he said that I haven’t been doing enough of making myself aware and alert of my surroundings. It has truth to it, and truth does hurt sometime.

Reflecting was a favourite past time of mine. Now when I think about it, it’s a necessity, something that should be done in a daily basis. The biggest thing that has come to mind is the word trials and tribulations. At times I think it’s my karma biting me in the ass that shit happens.

Yes and 99% of the time, it is. 1% would be things that happen (not a fact but my opinion) to you because God just wants to test you and all because He thinks of you and wants you to be closer to Him. And of course, karma or test that bites you on the tush isn’t a pleasant feeling at all. It’s painful. In Islam, illness, pain or anything of the sort is a way for one to wash away one’s sin (Dear God, based on how much it hurts, I must have really sinned). In addition, I think that pain is to have us appreciate the joy to come.

Another thing that I’ve remembered (I’m sorry I read this somewhere but forgot where I got it from) is that the God/universe/or whom/whatever has a way of educating us, before we’re prepared for the next level, and until then, before we learn from the previous pain, we will always go through the same exact cycle of pain before we advance. I mean, I remember going through this an eon ago when I broke up with someone I loved. But it didn’t really stick because I didn’t really love him that much. So guess what? In order for memory retention the pain is heightened at this break up for me. And why I remember better? Well, you do the math. The variables are all here.
Kind of makes you want to pay attention to life doesn’t it?

Come to think of it, better pay now than later. And I guess God is helping me achieve that. Funnily enough, I feel very blessed at this point of time, 7:37 am to be exact. Why the urgency in self discovery? I’m not getting any younger and all this while I’ve been sculpting myself to fit what society wants me to be until I forget who I am. So there’s a lot of catching up to do. 28 years to be exact. I kind of want to know who I am before I get married.

One scares me the most is this information I got from Oprah that said that whatever we have as adults, as parents, we pass it on to our kids, regardless of how we hide it, the insecurities, the self-esteem issues, ALL OF IT. Wow not only we pass our bad genes that by the power of interracial marriages can be eliminated, we can also pass on our negative vibes. MY GOD. Isn’t that educational? I think I have gone through enough to not pass it on to my children.

ENLIGHTENING! Fearfully enlightening! LOL in the flipside I also started doing some work with people on getting them to where they want to go in life. Suddenly my life started changing for me. I am happy that it has.

Guess what, we’re back together too. I’m super grateful. I learnt that to get back for yourself you need to give some or all to others as well. *bliss* Oprah said this too. Here here for Oprah!

Jan 23, 2009

Profane or profound.........

It's been a week since this post was supposed to be published so hopefully my mind serves me in recalling the night of 23rd January 2009.

I was from some pro-bono work I was doing, filled to the brim after having a late supper with Hejaz and Rafi, then later joined by Abs, Alia and Zin (names changed to protect the innocent). Hanging out brings many an insight and also some laughter, something I haven't had for ages at that time, given the fact that I was in a somewhat self-mending period.

Then Abs was telling us how she would always attract men that would only want her for bodily pleasure, if you get what I mean. Then Zin said or rather asked something that really was jaw dropping.

What goes through your mind when you look at men?

Then Abs went on about how sexy they were and basically their physique was the first thing that appealed to her.

So it was about sexual attractiveness? Did you see something beyond that was attractive about that guy?

I noticed she was kinda getting where Zin was going and before she answered (to my recollection!) Zin said...

You know, we're energy. People are energy. You are like a magnet that attracts what kind of frame of mind you are at the time. So it's really crucial that your state of mind has to reflect the kind of person you want to attract in order to find your SOULMATE.

In all my years of coaching and reading self help books it never dawned upon me to think like this. Well usually I do but on a theoretical level. Not something that I was rigorously catching myself with. I knew at one point I was sourcing for the love supreme and yet I have the tendency to think of whether I had chemistry with the other person before I went into a relationship.

And that was always first, they had to fit a certain physical template in order to pass my relationship requirements. And not to mention the ooohs and aaahs when someone hot passes by. No wonder I get annoying men that do the same.

But do you get where I'm getting at? it's about you changing the way you think about a person. I mean by all means if sexual attraction is all that you're looking for then by all means go for it because that's what you will end up with in the end but if it's commitment and a loving relationship that you desire then you better shift the way you think and feel about people.

It's also stated in the Quran Al-Ghashiyah...Something about partners and the point was that you are who you attract. Good with good, evil with evil. Again another opportunity for you to make a conscious choice, good or evil. What's it gonna be?

I remember a friend of mine once told me, in order for something to happen you need to be in CREATION. You can't sit idly and wait for the moon and sun to fall on your lap. You have the power to change your destiny. So you want love CREATE it, BE it.

For instance if you want openness in your relationship, you have to first BE open. Say whatever you need to say and just take that risk. It never hurts to tell the truth, because at the end of the day that's what serves the relationship, and I'm assuming that is what you would want in return?

Just take it as how Confuscious says it, Treat others how you want yourself to be treated.

Have fun and explore this. Discover new things about yourself. You never know unless you try. Never stop risking, they may say agree to you and they may not. Don't give up. It's just the Universe or whoever superior being you pray to is working on towards giving you the best out of life. Don't sell out on yourself and be complacent.

Good luck.

Jan 22, 2009


I just realized that the date says that it has been 8 months since I’ve come to known and loved MMS. I’ve learnt so much being away from him. My eyes are clearer now than they have ever been, I’m the type, who would try to pry away myself from feelings like this, always wanting to be in control, COMFORTABLE to be in solitude. I guess this guy has grown on me.

I even kept justifying the fact saying that probably it’s because of superficial reasons that made me stick to him. But when I think of it or rather allow myself to feel it, I was in love. (crap…). Never have I felt so weak and empowered to change everything at the same time.

When we broke up for the second time believe you me I hated him with a passion, but I also loved him with all my heart at the same time. Crying, begging, asking for God’s forgiveness. Everything under the sun, I was almost willing to sell my soul to the devil for RM 1. I can imagine the devil turning me away and say “Idiot you think with the recession my services so cheap?! I wouldn’t even be able to buy nasi lemak.”

Can you believe how insane that is? I’m living proof that LOVE CAN DRIVE YOU MAD.

Actually the madness stems from not seeing how I wasn’t shifting on dealing with the situation, doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is equivalent to insanity. When I didn’t get my way it’s either I would throw a mad woman fit or I would press harder. He would always say, “Please try to know me baby and use other ways of communicating to me.” I’m like, okay but as Ari the insane would go I would squeeze his balls till they turn blue instead (in a metaphorical sense that is), hence the break up.

In a more tactile sense just imagine forcing you trying to fit into something 5 times smaller than your size, wearing it for 6 months, you’d wear this size everywhere you went, experience the feeling of wearing these clothes when you’re full from eating a feast, get the picture?

Anyways, my point is, sit down and try to see where in your life you’re repeating the same mistakes? Relationships? Career? Personal achievements? Are you working in a dead end job but still working because you HAVE TO? Forcing someone to change to suit YOUR NEEDS? A reason behind divorces, breaking up, and unsatisfied, passionless people is because of doing the same thing expecting something different to happen.

I dare you to do something different this time around. I did, and I got him back. *smiles* (woot me!).

Jan 21, 2009

Half empty or half full??

I wrote this a couple of weeks back but I never got about finishing it. Thank God angels were sent to my direction to put some order back into my life!! BOOYAHH for my peoples…

Have you ever gone through a Jekyll and Hyde post relationship craziness? I don’t know what this thing is called but I seem to be going through that right now. It’s not denial, I know it’s over, but there’s this little ray of hope that I could better next time, passion, vigour and all that beautiful happy ending love story that happens in the movies kind of thing and more… and there’s also this thunder strike that wants to severe bonds and just pretend the whole 6 months never existed. Kind of like our computers with system restore, back date a bit and voila! Pain is gone. Just have to remember to write a post-it-note and say do not go here on this day. Or something that says “DON’T GO AND TALK TO THE BOTAK WITH GLASSES HEARTHROB THAT IS LEANING AGAINST THE PILLAR AT UNIVERSITY FOO!! Potential heartbreaker!!” You catch my drift right?

Well if it was only that simple. I’m stuck with a deep fryer for a skull that is incinerating the few brain cells that I have left. When this happens, Mimie always says to me, don’t think too much buddy please. All is fair in love and war but psychoanalyzing myself isn’t giving me much help either. I refuse a trip to the psychiatrist or any of the sort because I don’t want to be prescribed with medication that claims to cure my temporary loonies and grant me VIP ticket to Tanjung Rambutan (very prominent mental facility in Malaysia, my my won’t my dad have a picnic). Therefore I have decided to lock away my mental discrepancy to a later date. Where the hell was I when Cupid was shooting his arrows? He kind of missed me and I’m missing out on the love department, that’s what I feel.

Things like this happen because God is throwing you lemons (I was thinking, is this a lemon or a MELON? Coz it sure hurts like hell!). Anyways, the point is to not be in resistance to one’s feelings, if I feel love then feel it, given this situation, what am I going to do about it? Just force myself to UNLOVE or GIVE LOVE? The ball was in my court and I choose to LOVE. I felt a sense of relief that I accepted my feelings, as opposed to resisting. Now it’s just to go for love 100% and hope to God it works. FACE UP (TRUTHFULLY NOW!) so you know what you’re dealing with, then think of your next plan of action. FUHHHHHHHH!...


I was talking to my bestie (best friend) on a cup of Joe about love and her thoughts were, that no one can have it all. Here we were in our late 20s, successful, beautiful people and yet our relationships, either doesn’t work or is non existent. . Why the heck so? She said that nobody can have it all. I think that nobody can have enough if they really think about the glory and abundance that God gives us. We are what we believe to be at the end of the day.

Focus on scarcity, then things (career, relationships, health..etc) become scarce, focus on abundance, then things become abundant. For how long more do you want to condemn yourself to not be grateful for the things that you do have rather than focus on what you don’t have? By coming from abundance you get more things your way. Just try it out. Ask yourself one thing, has operating from scarcity given you more pay cheques or more debt? Better relationships or worst relationships? How long have you been in this vicious cycle? Scarcity is honestly a horrible thing to believe in, so why don’t you believe in abundance?

Like the saying, is the cup half empty (scarcity), or half full (abundance)? Is this the end of my love or just the beginning? There’s always a choice on how we want to look at our lives. People who are up there and successful have mastered one thing, the art of believing in abundance. The think it so much it becomes innate in them. You’ve heard of a lot of people who went bankrupt and were never to be heard from again. And everyone knows very well about the people who went rock bottom, only to sky rocket the next time we hear about them.

So, half empty or half full? To disbelieve or to believe, that is the question. You can choose. I’m choosing the latter. My cup runneth over…

You know what to do.


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.