Jan 22, 2009


I just realized that the date says that it has been 8 months since I’ve come to known and loved MMS. I’ve learnt so much being away from him. My eyes are clearer now than they have ever been, I’m the type, who would try to pry away myself from feelings like this, always wanting to be in control, COMFORTABLE to be in solitude. I guess this guy has grown on me.

I even kept justifying the fact saying that probably it’s because of superficial reasons that made me stick to him. But when I think of it or rather allow myself to feel it, I was in love. (crap…). Never have I felt so weak and empowered to change everything at the same time.

When we broke up for the second time believe you me I hated him with a passion, but I also loved him with all my heart at the same time. Crying, begging, asking for God’s forgiveness. Everything under the sun, I was almost willing to sell my soul to the devil for RM 1. I can imagine the devil turning me away and say “Idiot you think with the recession my services so cheap?! I wouldn’t even be able to buy nasi lemak.”

Can you believe how insane that is? I’m living proof that LOVE CAN DRIVE YOU MAD.

Actually the madness stems from not seeing how I wasn’t shifting on dealing with the situation, doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result is equivalent to insanity. When I didn’t get my way it’s either I would throw a mad woman fit or I would press harder. He would always say, “Please try to know me baby and use other ways of communicating to me.” I’m like, okay but as Ari the insane would go I would squeeze his balls till they turn blue instead (in a metaphorical sense that is), hence the break up.

In a more tactile sense just imagine forcing you trying to fit into something 5 times smaller than your size, wearing it for 6 months, you’d wear this size everywhere you went, experience the feeling of wearing these clothes when you’re full from eating a feast, get the picture?

Anyways, my point is, sit down and try to see where in your life you’re repeating the same mistakes? Relationships? Career? Personal achievements? Are you working in a dead end job but still working because you HAVE TO? Forcing someone to change to suit YOUR NEEDS? A reason behind divorces, breaking up, and unsatisfied, passionless people is because of doing the same thing expecting something different to happen.

I dare you to do something different this time around. I did, and I got him back. *smiles* (woot me!).

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.