Sep 10, 2009

My paranoia on lockdown

Just a moment ago I realized that this paranoia is the very reason that I never want to go 100%. In my relationships,career,love and everything else has always been mediocre, either that or I lose stamina half way. I never finish what I start, I give out false promises, I feel fake. Even with my real friends I cannot be 100% open. I'm scared that when I am I'll lose them to my paranoia. Either way I will lose them too.

For most of my life I've always been haunted by paranoia. I read from this article that paranoia is a deep seeded fear that something bad is going to happen and is usually a result of an emotional wound that has not been addressed.

I've let this fear run my life most of the time. You must be wondering why I am not being specific as to what event it was. For me, NOW at this MOMENT, it doesn't matter. I am here to not talk in details about the fear, I am here of my discovery of this fear.

At times I'm driven to tears even suicide, yes suicide, because of this fear, then I remembered what a friend told me, YOUR FEAR IS ONLY AS BIG AS YOU ALLOW IT TO BE. She had a point. I mean life isn't perfect, I acknowledge that. If it was so perfect then what would I learn from it? Furthermore, the best thing is, when I decided to look at it from a different angle it isn't so overwhelming. I can move on with my life vs feeling stuck in a rut.

I've accepted I cannot change someone's intentions towards me, but I can ask for something different to happen. I can manifest something different to happen. What makes me more confident is this other saying my friend told me, YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE. Exactly. All this while I've been sowing the seeds of fear and paranoia and building up a wall and no wonder the experiences that enter my life are tiring, irritating and filled with anxiety and hate. It feels like a prison and the people that I attracted were like cellmates.

It's been with me so long that I find that it's a part of me. But also I've made a discovery that even bad habits can be broken. I'm human, I can learn new tricks :)

Now in the process of building a new habit, is not going to happen overnight. I like how Louise Hay puts it, it's like cleaning a dirty pot, as you clean it(apply new habit), all the dirt and grime (your 'stuff' about this bad habit will come up i.e- I can't do it, you suck, this new habit will never stick)will surface, she said that we need to keep at it until the pot is clean.

Anyways you only need 45 days to cultivate this new habit. It's better to stick to it then go back to your old ways that wasn't working. As of now, courage and persistence shall be my ally so as to permanently put this paranoia on LOVEDOWN. :) I deserve a better life than this and I'm going to go 100% to achieve it.


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.