Sep 10, 2008

Break up day 2

I was checking the proximity of my living room to see whether the coast was clear. Wanted to see whether Pam was distracted enough to not notice that I was going to sneak into my room and give him a ring.

A couple of seconds after that devious thought my phone rang and I saw a fixed line number. Who on earth could be calling me at this hour? From a land line some more.

Lo and behold it was none other than the one that inhabits my soul. (So I'm feeling a bit poetic give me a break). I almost had the shock of my life. We were talking about returning each other's stuff and what not. He was in the middle of reading the Secret and he said he had this book with him. I told him to finish reading it first. I'm in no rush to get it back.

At times I feel that my purpose is in life was to make him happy. I still love him tremendously and I don't know how to cope with this loss. I just have to move on. I thought that it was my destiny to be with him but sometimes God has other plans. Who am I a mere mortal to fight such a plan?

Deep down I feel that he doesn't love me the way I do him. But he begged to differ. He wished that he could lie to make me feel better. But that wasn't possible according to him. His love was there but the sacrifice was for his future. Why can't I be the one who is in his future? the one that grows old with him and shares our ups and lows together?

But a good friend of mine told me yesterday it's true love when it feels right. For me it doesn't feel right because I don't love the way he loves me. I'm sure he does love me but I just have different needs. And sure he does as well.

I'm slowly beginning to understand what it is that makes my heart melt. One thing's for sure this love was the best one so far because I gave it my best. And I'm certain in the future I can give a lot more to the next person who comes into my life.

It's a tragic love that you know that you love one another but because of different characters that you can't be together. Honestly he still has a special place in my heart.

We both gave each other 100% of our love. And it didn't work out. Well. That's life. He taught me not to be afraid to speak my mind, I remember how he would say "Speak from inside of your heart" and he was the one who brought me closer to God and my prophet and I can never forget him for that.

On a student's budget he still took the time to take me out on fancy eateries and threw a big birthday bash for me. *sniff*

I used to wear sexy clothes now I'm mostly covered and I feel so liberated because I am not judged on superficial reasons but rather for me as a person.

I remembered how he used to roar and tell me to change my clothes when it was too revealing..LOL

There are other millions of things that he has done for me but too personal to blog about. I'll just cherish it in my heart. Something to smile about when the rainy days come.

He's the warmest soul I've ever met. Well he did have his dark side but who doesn't?

I wasn't blinded, I just loved all of it because I saw that in me as well.

He was my reflection. My mirror.

But well one never knows what to expect in this lifetime. When you think you know everything. God throws you something else. Throw my soulmate my way please... :) *hehe*

I'm honestly a bit pooped from the relationship arena. Me thinks me needs to work on other areas of my life. And learn to juggle all of them equally.

I used to say that I can't do more than one thing at once. But given the circumstance and what I want, if ever I wanted to have a family and career..okay just a family let's say I have to juggle between my husband and my kids. That's already two right there.

Well I'm going to give that thought a rest. I'm now thinking of ways on how to improve myself. Acquire skill and knowledge.

But who knows?

Next thing you know I'll be posting my baby's pics up here.

God is funny that way.


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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.