What I am about to say might be seen as enlightening to some and bias to others. Forgive me if I seem to be a pushover but these are just my personal thoughts so read at your on discretion.
In my endless search of spiritual, emotional and physical liberation I have found one thing that has sustained my sanity until now. My faith.
If the beautiful month of Ramadhan has blessed me with something which in the previous years it always has, and for this time, this would be it. Calmness and a sense of insaf or rather the by product for the word is wanting to repent and change for the better since there is no direct meaning for it.
One thing that I have feared, was the acceptance of the new me. Or rather the person that I was trying to hide to fit societal norms and the constraint of my social circle. A woman who wishes to wear the hijab (tudung) and yet not be able to hang out with her friends who party and socialize. When I think about it, if they cannot accept it, they are not friends to begin with.
One thing settled.
I also fear the judgmental stares of people of whom have come to know me as a bubbly, social and happening chic. Can't I be like that and still be a woman who is Muslim or rather, a practicing Muslim?
Hard to admit as well, that I am as well to be blamed for my internal conflict. I notice that I want certain things and not stick to what I want or settle. I join the drift so that I am accepted and just go for it because as my friend introduced me to the term, so as to not miss the boat. Now I feel like I'm riding a lowly sampan! In the end it has caused me personal turmoil and unfortunately affecting others in the process.
I could kick myself in the butt right now for the times when I said I wouldn't drink (Yes alcohol) and succumbed to influences. Bear in mind, I'm still holding on to the fact that it was my responsibility in the first place.
Drinking is just the tip of the iceberg. I've realized that I've done things so I would not be alone and be loved. And noticeably, I've been looking for love in all the wrong places and mental state and sucking on my own relationship.
I feel very shallow as of this moment. :( Love is easy to say but to do. It's a whole different ball game. Especially when you bring religion into the picture.
Been giving myself too much and thinking that it was the right way to give myself. Or so I thought. I sense the absence of firmness. I shall stand my ground. Alhamdulillah to He who is Most Aware.
Swimming through the cyber seas of the Internet looking for solace I have come across this verse from the Quran which states:
Sûrah ar Rum 30:22
"And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the difference of your languages and colors. Verily, in that are indeed signs for those who know".
The Almighty mentioned that we are different. Signs for us as people to see that variety or rather individuality was made for a purpose.
Which leads me to this second verse, and this was the very verse that Moez Masoud extracted in his short and sweet 5 minute speech.
Sûrah al Hujurat 49. 13
"O Mankind, We created you from a single (pair) of a male and a female and made you into nations and tribes, that you may know each other.
SO THAT YOU MAY KNOW EACH OTHER.
It did not say so that you can be superior and condemn others just because of differences. Regardless of what differences it is.
These verses touch me deeply. If only we could come together despite our differences, the world would be a better place. To not be prejudiced about which one is better than the other, and be blinded by racial superiority or whatever for that matter.
This reminds me of this forum that I attended. Which one don't ask. I mentioned something about racial equality. But this man told me that it is good to be socialist at 20, but to be one at 40 one would be a fool.
The dude is entitled to his own opinion so am I.
Honestly I was infuriated at this statement. How can one not be socially oriented if you are part of the society yourself? Don't tell me that there is a possibility that we are actually surrounded by androids with heartless perceptions or rather cynical views of the world. At times I DO FEEL that this is the case. I mean society has its ills. But its for us to work on, yes? Or are we too proud to admit of our flaws that we blind ourselves with materialistic achievements and end up overlooking on building upon our emotional intelligence?
Points to ponder.
Was Prophet Muhammad pbuh not a socialist himself? Providing equal divisions to each race, colour and creed. Bilal bin Rabbah wouldn't be the one to glorify the Azan if not for this very fact? his mother was a slave (not that I am judging, just to prove my point) and still he was trusted with such a duty because of the talent that he has, not because of the colour of his skin.
I END MY CASE.
WHAT I LIVE BY
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.