Dec 10, 2012

Melancholy and Bittersweet.

I've had some drama lately in the realm of relationships. Particularly friendship.

There is a silver lining that I have attained in Kota Kinabalu. Whatever it is, I am grateful for what has been given to me, and above all still grateful that I have a conscience.

At times I feel that I am always on the losing end of a friendship. Every battle that has been put in front of me I have lost and become the doormat. Going back to my previous post about 'vacuum cleaning'...(the law of vacuum). I've given it serious thought about who I want to be in my life and who I want out.

It is quite hard to let go of friends. You have been there for each other for YONKS. But there are certain things that you cannot cross. Certain things that lines should have been respected. Certain events that you should have been there for the person but haven't.

Based on what I am writing it pretty much sounds like I was on the receiving end. No. I was on the giving end. It pained me to do it but it would have pained me to not.

Like, what would I want anything to do with people who didn't even bother asking me why I did what I did and just brush me off thinking I was the bad guy? I can already see what's going to happen after this and NO. You had your chance to be with me and you blew it.

But mind you, even after all this apocalyptic happenings in my friendship world, it took me awhile to figure it out but finally I've given into my heart.

I've learnt that your heart's well being and optimum condition is important for you to go on living..thriving. It was not made to be a people pleaser and it never will be. Most of my life has been lived trying to live up to people's expectations and it has not gotten me anywhere because every time I pleased a certain crowd, another crowd would think of me horrible. In the end I've lost twice, doing something I didn't even like to begin with and still having people mock my choice of living.

Therefore my invitation to other people fighting the same battles that I face, live the life that you want. If there are relationships not worth saving, don't save it. Trust that there is something better coming your way. Trust that there is a love that lasts forever and trust all the goodness will come to those who believe and work towards a better day.

The moment I realized what I was doing and decided to do something different, more friends who I could depend on and would be on my team started popping up. People who would take time from their busy lives to ask, hey how are you doing? and do anything to put a smile on my face.

Friends,  don't sabotage your life with keeping company with toxic people. And in the same breadth, it would be wise to think about as well what you or basically I am doing to attract this into my life.

But that heading deserves a different blogpost all together.

I'd like to thank Rahman for being a true friend through it all.

I can sleep easy knowing that there is a friend that will love me for the good, the bad and the ugly.

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.