Just a moment ago I realized that this paranoia is the very reason that I never want to go 100%. In my relationships,career,love and everything else has always been mediocre, either that or I lose stamina half way. I never finish what I start, I give out false promises, I feel fake. Even with my real friends I cannot be 100% open. I'm scared that when I am I'll lose them to my paranoia. Either way I will lose them too.
For most of my life I've always been haunted by paranoia. I read from this article that paranoia is a deep seeded fear that something bad is going to happen and is usually a result of an emotional wound that has not been addressed.
I've let this fear run my life most of the time. You must be wondering why I am not being specific as to what event it was. For me, NOW at this MOMENT, it doesn't matter. I am here to not talk in details about the fear, I am here of my discovery of this fear.
At times I'm driven to tears even suicide, yes suicide, because of this fear, then I remembered what a friend told me, YOUR FEAR IS ONLY AS BIG AS YOU ALLOW IT TO BE. She had a point. I mean life isn't perfect, I acknowledge that. If it was so perfect then what would I learn from it? Furthermore, the best thing is, when I decided to look at it from a different angle it isn't so overwhelming. I can move on with my life vs feeling stuck in a rut.
I've accepted I cannot change someone's intentions towards me, but I can ask for something different to happen. I can manifest something different to happen. What makes me more confident is this other saying my friend told me, YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE. Exactly. All this while I've been sowing the seeds of fear and paranoia and building up a wall and no wonder the experiences that enter my life are tiring, irritating and filled with anxiety and hate. It feels like a prison and the people that I attracted were like cellmates.
It's been with me so long that I find that it's a part of me. But also I've made a discovery that even bad habits can be broken. I'm human, I can learn new tricks :)
Now in the process of building a new habit, is not going to happen overnight. I like how Louise Hay puts it, it's like cleaning a dirty pot, as you clean it(apply new habit), all the dirt and grime (your 'stuff' about this bad habit will come up i.e- I can't do it, you suck, this new habit will never stick)will surface, she said that we need to keep at it until the pot is clean.
Anyways you only need 45 days to cultivate this new habit. It's better to stick to it then go back to your old ways that wasn't working. As of now, courage and persistence shall be my ally so as to permanently put this paranoia on LOVEDOWN. :) I deserve a better life than this and I'm going to go 100% to achieve it.
Sep 10, 2009
Aug 13, 2009
The Perfect Day By Robin Sharma
Just recorded the latest video for The Monthly Coach program I do. One of the pieces was on "The Perfect Day". While nothing's perfect in business and in life, recording what your ideal day looks like is a smart move. Because with greater clarity comes better choices.
What was the best day you've had in the past 12 months? What made it so special - and unforgettable? What things were you doing that time that gave you those superior results? Once you know what works, you can set about doing them with greater consistency. And consistency is the generator of Mastery.
Here are 4 recommendations for a perfect day:
1. Get up early. Getting up early is a gift you give yourself - once you install the habit. Yes, that's hard at first but after a few weeks you'll have more time for yourself every morning - time to think/read/visualize/exercise and set yourself up for superb results.
2. Run a schedule. I write more about this in The Greatness Guide where I say: "The things that get scheduled are the things that get done." Success and happiness don't happen by accident. No, they occur through conscious choice. Schedule your priorities and the most important things in your life so you can get them done.
3. Stand in Gratitude. While there are so many things you could do to ensure a great/perfect day, I find spending even 5 minutes in gratitude reshapes the way I perceive my day. Please remember, stress and gratitude can't share the same room. And you'll see more of what you pay attention to. So focus on best and block out the rest.
4. Growth. Much as we resist change, the fact is human beings are happiest when we are growing. To live perfect days, do things that move you out of your comfort zone and into your Discomfort Zone. A day with zero growth is a day unfully lived. Fears faced die speedy deaths.
What was the best day you've had in the past 12 months? What made it so special - and unforgettable? What things were you doing that time that gave you those superior results? Once you know what works, you can set about doing them with greater consistency. And consistency is the generator of Mastery.
Here are 4 recommendations for a perfect day:
1. Get up early. Getting up early is a gift you give yourself - once you install the habit. Yes, that's hard at first but after a few weeks you'll have more time for yourself every morning - time to think/read/visualize/exercise and set yourself up for superb results.
2. Run a schedule. I write more about this in The Greatness Guide where I say: "The things that get scheduled are the things that get done." Success and happiness don't happen by accident. No, they occur through conscious choice. Schedule your priorities and the most important things in your life so you can get them done.
3. Stand in Gratitude. While there are so many things you could do to ensure a great/perfect day, I find spending even 5 minutes in gratitude reshapes the way I perceive my day. Please remember, stress and gratitude can't share the same room. And you'll see more of what you pay attention to. So focus on best and block out the rest.
4. Growth. Much as we resist change, the fact is human beings are happiest when we are growing. To live perfect days, do things that move you out of your comfort zone and into your Discomfort Zone. A day with zero growth is a day unfully lived. Fears faced die speedy deaths.
Jul 13, 2009
Making mistakes
I think making mistakes is God’s way of keeping me humble, of keeping everyone humble. God knows that I have been riding the holier than thou boat. That boat has sunk. I’m grieving beyond words. I’ve always blamed my ex for the relationship not working. Not that I’ve broken up with a new one, he somehow blames me (although not totally) for the relationship not working. Now karma has bit me on my butt real hard. Ouch! >.<
Well I’ve been doing a lot of things lately that I’m not very proud of. Some are too personal too mention. I guess when these things happen it keeps me in perspective that people do make mistakes. I realize I can be quite unmerciful when it comes to others wrongdoings.
Silver lining is I’ve reached a whole new level of compassion. How ironic that the ugly events had to happen for me to learn this lesson. It’s kind of like some form of compensation. And when they said to not be so quick to judge they weren’t kidding. My friend Donald said to me, that we’re no better than anyone else.
I remembered me being on the way to see Fi at Al-Safa, praying to God to never leave me out of His sight even for an instant, because I know the wrong I’m capable of doing if He does not grace me with His love. Again I am praying to Him, to please grace Him with His love. I am grateful that He has made me see the error of my ways and not continue doing the wrong, and that I catch myself.
My other friend Fred (yes I have a lot of guy friends) said that we should only look up to compare oneself to our ideal, kind of like someone to look up to. Admittedly, I have a self destructive tendency and make it an insecurity complex rather than something I enjoy striving towards becoming.
There’s also the fact that people say that look at people not as fortunate as you because it’s going to make you feel grateful with the life that you lead. The flipside is that at times I can get arrogant with success. It’s really a juggle between good and evil. I learnt about the law of attraction. These kind of thoughts manifest like a b*tch, when you think about it, no energy should be spent on thinking thoughts that will not serve you, take it from me, Rhonda Byrne knows what she’s talking about. Even in some religious principles, like karma for instance, when you put out negative energy, you get back negative energy, even in my religion, Islam, we’re taught that 40 times you think about that one particular thing it becomes the truth.
What I got from it all was a higher understanding of forgiveness and compassion and a revision on law of attraction, not bad in one day.
ALHAMDULILLAH
Thank u b1..
Jun 19, 2009
Looking for love
Last night was something different. Last night was filled with talks of despair, hope, love and faith. As the monkeys (my best friends and I) gatherered at Hartamas, the very thought that came to mind was, how come my heart suddenly was filled with this overwhelming loneliness. Like I didn't have enough shit to think about already this irritating turmoil was filling my gut with despair.
I then seek counsel of one of the sages, and he said and I quote " You are full of love. Has it occurred to you maybe you are looking in the wrong places or not being in the right places to be found?"...Counting the years that I have lived, and the hours of idle time I have wasted hoping that someone would find me under my rock, this life saving statement has opened my eyes to explore more possibilities than one.
I've always been the type to say, ceh, let him find me la. OR it's not my time yet. I liked what my friend told me about what Fazillah Kamsah (sp?) said about love. It's something that you summon (ok, it's not the witchcraft type of summon-Imagine a gigantic part gorilla part dragon waiting at your doorstep).
WHICH INCLUDES BEING URGENT AND DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
You summon and call for him/her by being the person that you need to be in order to attract this man/woman/dragon part gorilla (just kidding) into your life. And nurture the love in your heart as you would a seed. Moderation is key, not too much and not too little. Like a tree, it too can die if you give it in the wrong hands, and whether it is the wrong hands or not, in my point of view, that should be the call you must be courageous enough to make.
The weirdest thing and that I find magical is when I did my very own summoning. I kept looking at this vision collage that I had of what I wanted accomplished in my life which included my dream man. I was listening to Jai Ho (Pussycat Dolls) for a whole month day in and day out calling upon that guy who would be my destiny. Who would have known the victorious one would appear. My ever so macho friend Wessam squealed when I told him about it. (laffs)
So dear readers, may you be victorious in your endeavours and I trust you will succeed in getting to where you want to go. Just listen to your heart and it will lead you to the right place.
God will never change the destiny of a society until its people change that Society." (13:11)
I then seek counsel of one of the sages, and he said and I quote " You are full of love. Has it occurred to you maybe you are looking in the wrong places or not being in the right places to be found?"...Counting the years that I have lived, and the hours of idle time I have wasted hoping that someone would find me under my rock, this life saving statement has opened my eyes to explore more possibilities than one.
I've always been the type to say, ceh, let him find me la. OR it's not my time yet. I liked what my friend told me about what Fazillah Kamsah (sp?) said about love. It's something that you summon (ok, it's not the witchcraft type of summon-Imagine a gigantic part gorilla part dragon waiting at your doorstep).
WHICH INCLUDES BEING URGENT AND DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
You summon and call for him/her by being the person that you need to be in order to attract this man/woman/dragon part gorilla (just kidding) into your life. And nurture the love in your heart as you would a seed. Moderation is key, not too much and not too little. Like a tree, it too can die if you give it in the wrong hands, and whether it is the wrong hands or not, in my point of view, that should be the call you must be courageous enough to make.
The weirdest thing and that I find magical is when I did my very own summoning. I kept looking at this vision collage that I had of what I wanted accomplished in my life which included my dream man. I was listening to Jai Ho (Pussycat Dolls) for a whole month day in and day out calling upon that guy who would be my destiny. Who would have known the victorious one would appear. My ever so macho friend Wessam squealed when I told him about it. (laffs)
So dear readers, may you be victorious in your endeavours and I trust you will succeed in getting to where you want to go. Just listen to your heart and it will lead you to the right place.
God will never change the destiny of a society until its people change that Society." (13:11)
May 18, 2009
Expectations and Communication.
If they say that assumption is the root of all screw ups then I would definitely say that expectations is the root to all that collapses.
If one is familiar with the world of statistics and sociology, there is a huge population that contains different probabilities with different social influences. I could be a Malay girl who was raised to believe that if someone loves me it meant that he would respect my body, respect my religion and be the one who was the leader in the family and if I was dating a white dude who expected to have equal rights and that no nookie meant that I was not attractive enough for her then imagine what this would do?
Somewhere along the lines of relationships and love this happened for me. Both parties coming from EXPECTING without communicating to the other person to have them understand what it meant to be physically unfit to the extent of not being aware of what was going on.
I guess when I think about it, expectation and assumptions come hand in hand and they belong in the same relationship collapsing family. It's as simple as that. Expectations can lead to false interpretation of the information, for instance, hearing what one wants to hear instead of what is being said, because in your mind you're already expecting them to say something but in actual fact they are conveying something different. There is also a different type of expectation where you expect the person to say something, but you feel failed, rejected and dejected when the other says the total opposite. Therefore the point that should be made here is to listen intently and be the master of your own emotions. The only possible break in habit is to practice a new one.
But it's not that people should be doomed with it. There is plausible change. But in order to have it take place, effective communication needs to take place. :) and again I stress that this need to be a habit :P
Yapping can happen but if it's not with purpose it need not be executed. Communicating effectively also means that the other person gets what the conveyor is saying. Vice versa. Hence subtracting breakdown from the equation. In my opinion, inevitably both parties should agree to disagree. There will always be times where two points differ, it doesn't mean when it doesn't meet that one should send in the divorce papers, there is a choice of seeing it in the light where one appreciates the other party with their own uniqueness. Furthermore, isn't it great that you have a collection of opinions? does that not contribute in the richness of life? I'm not saying to forget your own, it's just to add variety on handling/thinking of a certain issue/event/etc.
Just points to ponder.
If one is familiar with the world of statistics and sociology, there is a huge population that contains different probabilities with different social influences. I could be a Malay girl who was raised to believe that if someone loves me it meant that he would respect my body, respect my religion and be the one who was the leader in the family and if I was dating a white dude who expected to have equal rights and that no nookie meant that I was not attractive enough for her then imagine what this would do?
Somewhere along the lines of relationships and love this happened for me. Both parties coming from EXPECTING without communicating to the other person to have them understand what it meant to be physically unfit to the extent of not being aware of what was going on.
I guess when I think about it, expectation and assumptions come hand in hand and they belong in the same relationship collapsing family. It's as simple as that. Expectations can lead to false interpretation of the information, for instance, hearing what one wants to hear instead of what is being said, because in your mind you're already expecting them to say something but in actual fact they are conveying something different. There is also a different type of expectation where you expect the person to say something, but you feel failed, rejected and dejected when the other says the total opposite. Therefore the point that should be made here is to listen intently and be the master of your own emotions. The only possible break in habit is to practice a new one.
But it's not that people should be doomed with it. There is plausible change. But in order to have it take place, effective communication needs to take place. :) and again I stress that this need to be a habit :P
Yapping can happen but if it's not with purpose it need not be executed. Communicating effectively also means that the other person gets what the conveyor is saying. Vice versa. Hence subtracting breakdown from the equation. In my opinion, inevitably both parties should agree to disagree. There will always be times where two points differ, it doesn't mean when it doesn't meet that one should send in the divorce papers, there is a choice of seeing it in the light where one appreciates the other party with their own uniqueness. Furthermore, isn't it great that you have a collection of opinions? does that not contribute in the richness of life? I'm not saying to forget your own, it's just to add variety on handling/thinking of a certain issue/event/etc.
Just points to ponder.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)