Insecure

Maybe it's the age.

Maybe I don't feel like putting myself out there anymore to be judged upon.

Maybe what I need is a break from the craziness.  And find something worth dying for.

Man I feel like a war vet..

Have you ever felt that you are 30 but in your mind and body you are 100?

That you feel so warned out and have nothing to live for?

This is my space right now.

Like what is the fucking point?

I wake up..if I had a job to go to I would but I don't. Then there's that sinking feeling of wow if I do get my act together only to be kicked to the curb again then what???

And I am searching for my once confident self who does not need help from anyone but herself.  Not that I condone help but sometimes expecting someone to help you and when they reject you it is so heartbreaking.

Probably all this will get better in time. Part of growing pains.

The only way is through.

Some confronting of demons and soul searching is in order.

I am too awesome to be depressed.

Tally Ho!! 9

idle

I hate being this way.

I hate the haze.

I wished I could still breathe normally in all this polluted chaos. 

This is really disgusting. I don't think we would be in such a mess if the government had some kind of idea on how to manage our forests properly. 

Sucks ass.

I feel sorry for people who are asthmatic.

Just switched off the tv because I feel even that machine is competing with me to breathe.

Who on earth wants to stay in a/c room forever? 

I feel we are reduced to that. My skin is so dry. 

Yack yack yack.

Where can I go where there isn't so much haze?? 

Any Australian men wanna get married? 

I am yours for the taking.

                                                                Exhibit A

See what I mean???

Well its worst in real life. The camera does not do me justice at all. 

Laters.

Hello

Lounging around with friends post GE 13. 

Sucks to be in Malaysia where all we do is fight.

Resentment, hate, confusion, enlightenment and hope is our current cocktail of choice. 

Poison has never rang so true.

Where am I supposed to be sitting if Malaysia wasn't so scrooge-y with money. 

Instead am sitting next to the power source. 

Bullshit cheaters.

Hello all by the way.

I am back. 

Hopefully for good.

Happy New Year 2013

I cannot believe I survived the apocalypse!!!!! Not lol

Been awhile since I posted just been busy lazying around as usual and catching my breath....

My current guilty pleasure is the series supernatural....now I am into the 7th season....

Anyways.... Will think of something worth reading to write....

Take care u lot....

DOOMSDAY?

Been a lot going on lately where chaos is concerned. So many rumors flying around social media that a lot of people are taking it to heart.

One very annoying one is the planetary alignments that will cause weather to shift for days. Like if you're a 4 season climate it will shift to tropical and vice versa.

Not that I mind a White Christmas it would be perfect in a country like Malaysia. I wouldn't have to fly overseas to experience how a White Christmas would be like. Skiing in the manmade lake in Likas, snowboarding to the nearest market instead of driving and the best part would be the Malaysian snowmen I could make. I can imagine one with a pipe and sarong with a cute little songkok (its Malaysian headgear usually worn to attend gatherings or worn to the mosques.) on its head.

But oh my goodness! if it's not on the news it is mental abuse. Quit believing in rumors. If I wanted trash I would just watch the BBC. LOL No offense guys.

I know that we can never be too safe. I heard that a lot of people were stocking up for the so called Doomsday loading up on food and what nots. I seriously feel that it's just part of a conspiracy by shop owners'r'us to get people to spend more money.

My bff Pam was saying it's like Y2K  all over again. What I remember of Y2K doomsday was that everything that's computerized will malfunction and cause people to die because of the switch from 1999 to the year 2000. My sister Masley was on a plane with her family on Y2K eve. We were a bit worried but thank goodness for that. They all arrived in one piece.

SEE?

Melancholy and Bittersweet.

I've had some drama lately in the realm of relationships. Particularly friendship.

There is a silver lining that I have attained in Kota Kinabalu. Whatever it is, I am grateful for what has been given to me, and above all still grateful that I have a conscience.

At times I feel that I am always on the losing end of a friendship. Every battle that has been put in front of me I have lost and become the doormat. Going back to my previous post about 'vacuum cleaning'...(the law of vacuum). I've given it serious thought about who I want to be in my life and who I want out.

It is quite hard to let go of friends. You have been there for each other for YONKS. But there are certain things that you cannot cross. Certain things that lines should have been respected. Certain events that you should have been there for the person but haven't.

Based on what I am writing it pretty much sounds like I was on the receiving end. No. I was on the giving end. It pained me to do it but it would have pained me to not.

Like, what would I want anything to do with people who didn't even bother asking me why I did what I did and just brush me off thinking I was the bad guy? I can already see what's going to happen after this and NO. You had your chance to be with me and you blew it.

But mind you, even after all this apocalyptic happenings in my friendship world, it took me awhile to figure it out but finally I've given into my heart.

I've learnt that your heart's well being and optimum condition is important for you to go on living..thriving. It was not made to be a people pleaser and it never will be. Most of my life has been lived trying to live up to people's expectations and it has not gotten me anywhere because every time I pleased a certain crowd, another crowd would think of me horrible. In the end I've lost twice, doing something I didn't even like to begin with and still having people mock my choice of living.

Therefore my invitation to other people fighting the same battles that I face, live the life that you want. If there are relationships not worth saving, don't save it. Trust that there is something better coming your way. Trust that there is a love that lasts forever and trust all the goodness will come to those who believe and work towards a better day.

The moment I realized what I was doing and decided to do something different, more friends who I could depend on and would be on my team started popping up. People who would take time from their busy lives to ask, hey how are you doing? and do anything to put a smile on my face.

Friends,  don't sabotage your life with keeping company with toxic people. And in the same breadth, it would be wise to think about as well what you or basically I am doing to attract this into my life.

But that heading deserves a different blogpost all together.

I'd like to thank Rahman for being a true friend through it all.

I can sleep easy knowing that there is a friend that will love me for the good, the bad and the ugly.

New Year Happenings - Cleaning out my closet

Not really talking about the Eminem song (although it is amazing, he is truly a talented artist).

Anyhoot.

The new year is coming, what are you doing about making space for new things to come?

YEAR END CLEANING WOOHOO!

So...

Why make new space you ask?

The truth is, if you are hoarding stuff, emotions and things in your past which you do not need any longer you are not making room for new things and experiences to come.

Clean out your room, house, your living space, car, etc...I know I feel a lot better every time I start cleaning. Let me be honest I'm not the rigorous, routine type of girl who keeps her space clean and organized every time but hey, this is really valid advice :)

I don't have a specific type of name for this law I am telling you all about but 

I googled it up because I remember Maria telling me about the law of the vacuum (Maria's a Reiki expert I knew through my sister.)...  and I came across some interesting articles, which expands most of what I was talking about earlier.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Gage2.html

So as you can see it does not only refer to things but also relationships.

Coming to my experiences with the law of the vacuum, I remembered going through a rough patch with some people and decided that I deserved better. Therefore I went on a search to redefine my life and make it better.

Not long after that I got a better job and better friends. I realized when I was willing to let go of the old that the new came to be.

Which reminds me it's time I make this a repeated and consistent effort so as to continuously have good things and events come into my life. :)


I think this is a beautiful quote to sum everything up.

THE LAW OF THE VACUUM

The Law of The Vacuum states that all material forces of the universe abhor
the vacuum and rush to fill each hole, opening, void, blank page, field
of clarity or empty moment with image, garbage, sound and fury,
often signifying nothing so precious as the original voidness.

This Law states that space allows movement, and that when all space
is filled, the solidarity prevents further movement or growth.
By reducing bit by bit the inappropriate and the unnecessary aspects
of one's lifestyle one can create the time, space, atmosphere and
opportunities to move, grow, replenish and to rebuild on a more
solid foundation. This Law creates the spaces in which to place only
the highest and only the best with the least amount of energy and expense.

As an example:
This Awareness indicates that energies create a vacuum behind them,
the vacuum draws forth other energies. That wherein entities move
towards the Light, wherein entities move toward higher spiritual dimensions,
wherein entities move toward higher levels of consciousness;
these entities create a vacuum which draws others to fill that void which
the entity left behind, and in this manner when one entity progresses toward
higher levels of awareness, others are drawn toward higher levels of awareness.

courtesy of  http://home.iae.nl/users/lightnet/creator/vacuum.htm

Out with the physical and emotional baggage..or rather GARBAGE!!

So now that your closet's empty, what are you going to fill it up with?? :)

Cheers to the NEW in your lives!! Have fun sorting and cleaning out!


xoxo

ps. thanks Maria!

pps. I'm going to let you in with my progress later....

ACCEPTING MY CALLING.

This has been an endless journey. Looking for my calling that is. It's hard when you're fickle.

I guess I'm not fickle. I'm just so terrified of failing, or being mocked and ridiculed to want to have a superstar's life.

I know that music for me is effortless. I can sit down and write a song no problem.

I feel that the search for the Holy Grail is not as elusive.

Although I have had some progress in the 'releasing what no longer serves me' area.  I love this. Deleted people off my friend's list. Confronted others of my suspicions of their loyalty.

Very productive day indeed.

Now I'm working on something else. To write a laymen's article on shadow work (Carl Jung).

Shadow Work:  The art of naming and claiming the hidden elements of your Oneself Nature, based upon the reflections that are provided by people, things, and situations that manifest around you.  You look at them and you react, or your judge, or you glow with delight!  Why?  Because they are your mirror.  They show you clearly what you could not see on your own.  The usage and perfection of this process represents a majority of the purpose for relationship in a person's life.  The rest--companionship, collaboration, life purpose, and several others--will flow from this practice. 

thanks to: http://www.reconnections.net/glossary.htm for the definition.

My purpose of wanting to write this article is simply because I get that secretly we all struggle with our dark sides. It's a never ending better between being evil or being good. I hope to find a step by step method can help us all.

Pray for me.

:)

ps. I love you my shadow.

ARI ARI LET DOWN YOUR HAIR....

My dear blog. Sorry for abandoning you for so long.

I will not blame it on anything else but my lack of commitment to filling you in with my daily antics and findings.

Hugs.  (Somewhat lost my mind here)

I just realized I never had short hair for a long period of time, well, until now.

I like this new look tho...it's very liberating.

But for the life of me I will never be able to imagine myself having Rapunzel hair. lol

That's too crazy.

Anyways...will come back when I have something substantial to write.

I was watching Grimm season 1 before I decided to pry myself away from it and blog some.

Going back to Grimm.

Hopefully it will spark ideas to write something nicer, or rather PURPOSEFUL later.

Toodles.

Life is a sequence of paradoxes.

Life has a funny way of altering your universe.

And after a while, once you've adjusted to the chaos, it gets re-altered in a upheaval, almost apocalyptic fashion.

And then you're demanded to brush the dirt off your shoulder and get back into the ring almost instantaneously.

THIS IS MY LIFE.

I'm not for one to get into too much detail of the craziness that is mi vida, but! as far as I can say now I want to focus on what's important. HEALTH AND MONEY.

I'm still toying with the idea of what brings me joy, a conundrum of sorts.

 Well except for writing. I seem to find solace in writing. Come to think of it I've always found solace in writing.

My first infatuation. Hopefully an endless love.

I've dabbled with poetry and essays and such. I wrote a story once upon a time. Amateur effort. I was 14 give me a break.

I imagined it come to me in the form of divine intervention. Hopefully not lightning. 

Life as I see it is a sequence of paradoxes.

Take for example exhibit A, moi.

I've learnt that to be successful in what you do you cannot want the end result to be of monetary gain alone but to have it possibly serve as a purpose, a greater good.

But how on earth can you think of the greater good when you're eating ramen noodles morning, noon, eve and supper??

That would be the stretch.

And the penniless writer is not exactly my scene. Nor is minimum wage.

Well.

I'll just probably google for answers.

Or probably try yahoo.

Later.

ADVENTURE?

It's been awhile since I went for an adventure.

I don't know what's stopping me.

Maybe it's because I don't want to do it alone.

Who in the hell would ever want to go for an adventure alone???

While blogging I'm currently googling for places to go to feed my adrenaline.

It's not that I have never done it before.

Honestly I'm probably operating from scarcity. ie. I'd just finish the money, I need to be thinking about looking for a job vs doing random happenings because I'm pressed for time.

 I need to dig into the root of this issue. It's unhealthy.

Another adventure into the human psyche. Mine is an unpleasant one. I can foresee a molotov cocktail of emotions, pulling of hair, complaining about how dark and dismal life is  and finally me going haywire.

How pleasant.

I don't even know where to begin. What I do know is I have one goal in mind and I want to fulfill that goal for myself.

I need to get me some positivity.

RIGHT NOW.

ROCK YOUR INTERVIEW!

OMG

I just finished typing a new post and I deleted it by mistake. CRAP.

Anyways, the content of my post was actually about the conversation I had with my friend yesterday.

You see she's applying for a job and needed my help to prepare for the questions and such.

So during my surfing adventures earlier today I found this article to be quite helpful.

How to Rock Your Next Job Interview

By TIM TYRELL-SMITH

It’s easy to get nervous before a job interview, especially if you haven’t had one for a while. And if you’ve been out of work for an extended period of time, each opportunity to interview becomes increasingly important, adding to the pressure.

But with a new year comes a fresh start. And your next interviewer knows nothing of your past mistakes. So take the time to prepare using these tips, and you’ll walk into your next interview confident and ready to put your best foot forward.

Here’s how to rock your next interview:

1. Be yourself. It’s tempting to morph during an interview. To tweak an answer to tell the story you think someone wants to hear. To say you like to work independently when you don’t. Tell your true story and let your true personality shine through. If the job is really a good match, you’ll fare better by being yourself.

2. Learn to enjoy the interview. We don’t have many chances to compete in life anymore. But a job interview is a chance to show off what you can do for a new team. Relish this opportunity even during the interview itself and prove yourself to a new crowd.

3. Engage your interviewer. An interview should be a two-way dialogue, where both parties get a chance to ask probing questions. So ask away! And don’t be afraid to ask tough questions. When you engage your interviewer, your interview is more likely to become a business discussion and less of an interrogation.

[See What to Say When the Interviewer Asks How Much You Make.]

4. Forget the odds are not in your favor. It doesn’t matter if five other candidates have already interviewed for the job. And you can forget the five who will interview after you, too. Those factors are out of your control, so put those thoughts away and interview without restriction.

5. Fill your head with victories. Instead of thinking about your shortcomings, play a “best of” reel in your head when you have breaks during the day. Focus your mind on days or hours when you were on top of the world, loved by everyone as the rainmaker or problem-solver. You’re offering this new company your best, so that’s all you need to showcase.

6. Get ready, then let go. Of course it’s possible to over-prepare for a job interview. But you can also forget to transition from preparation to execution. So when it comes time to do the talking, put all the preparation tools away so you can relax and focus on your goal.

7. Get to know your audience in advance. You can ask better questions if you know something about your interviewers. Researching them will also help you prepare for any questions they’ll ask you. To find information about a company or hiring manager, use LinkedIn and Google. And expect the employer to do the same research on you.

[See What to Consider Before Accepting a Job Offer.]

8. Bring a few great stories. Everyone loves a good story. And interviewers love true and compelling stories of how you helped a business. Prepare a positive story (situation, action, and result) based on a key events in your past. Be sure you can identify the specific role you played.

9. Smile at everyone you meet. A confident smile shows you’re relaxed and happy to be there. But it also can prompt a reaction from people you meet. If they don’t smile back, you’ve learned something.

10. Watch and listen for key signals. Is the office is busy? Vibrant? Social? Compare what you see and hear to your workplace preferences. Whether it’s a good or bad fit, you’ve learned something about the company culture.

11. Show genuine interest and passion. Results from recent job interview research suggest that your passion and excitement for the position really does matter. So when you feel it, show it. This is likely to positively influence an interviewer and change the mood in the room.

12. Focus on the first five minutes. Most interviewers say they know in the first five minutes whether the candidate is a good fit for the job. Your handshake, first few answers, and body language all have the potential to signal strength during a job interview. Have a great “first five” and you’re in good shape!

13. Try the company’s products. If you’re interviewing with a company that makes a product or service you can touch or experience, get your hands on it. Test it and be ready to share your experience.

[For more career advice, visit U.S. News Careers, or find us on Facebook or Twitter.]

14. Slide up your dimmer switch. Sometimes you need a mental gimmick to shake off the nerves, pull you up, and get your light to shine. Just before walking in the front door, mentally slide up your dimmer switch, and engage the first person you meet with a confident smile.

15. Be honest. An occasional “I don’t know” will not ruin your chances at landing the job. Nor is it destructive to admit to not having a certain experience. Delivering the truth says you’re comfortable and confident with what you know and what you can do.

Tim Tyrell-Smith is founder of Tim's Strategy, a site that helps professionals succeed in job search, career and life strategy. Follow Tim on Twitter, @TimsStrategy, and share his 30 Ideas Book with job-seeking friends.

The actual article's link is here. 

Good luck people! :) Tell me how your job went so we can share and compare notes. 

xoxo

Here's to thinking positive....

MEH

I don't really like blogging from my iPad.....I an going out now....huhuhu

LABUAN

No for those intending a thrill seeking adventure. Not for people who want the beach either, although there's a lot of rays to catch and future sunburn....

No...Labuan is for kidney and liver failure. lol Duty free booze and a whole lotta smoking....But I still give it A for customer service(especially the crystal lady)...

We stayed at Sara Hotel... were not really happy with the first room we got, requested (demanded actually) a room change. Got changed to somewhere better...woohoo

Did get to make new friends too...I didn't get to bring my iPad around...
or rather saya malas...(lazy). so no labuan pics.

I did take some pictures of us on the way there.....

I seriously need to get broadband. Random I know.

COPYRIGHT

Just as the title says...copyright. As you notice I like to write a lot. But I've quite outdone myself in the area of scaring myself to the point of paralysis when it comes to paranoia. Especially paranoia of someone stealing my intellectual property.

Kak Luna said that I should copyright my stuff first...There is a place here where they copyright stuff.

I need to get back to her about it. I don't even want to collaborate with people about my songs (well paranoia+OCD quite the mental hospital molotov cocktail)...KABOOM.

I guess I need to google up on the copyright acts here in Malaysia too. Just to get to know more about it. OR I could ask my friend Rudy how he copyrights his music.

By the way Rudy also does wedding photography. His work is real awesome. (sempat promo)...

Will keep you updated lol toddles for now.

ho hum

I hate blogging on my iPad since my chubby fingers have no sense of boundaries at all... I was thinking of writing a good food blog.

I do have one now but yea well I kinda abandoned the idea because keeping track of recipes and writing recipes is a pain since I usually eyeball my efforts.

I am having issues sleeping...

High time for exercise....

This is the first time I am uploading a picture onto blogger via iPad.

Awesome times.

I wonder how it'll turn out.

Going to Labuan today.

Wee...

Will keep u posted...

BALLS TO DO IT.

A lot of the times, or maybe most of the times, maybe for some never, have allowed people to get under their skin or their own fear to overwhelm them.

I often ask myself, what I would do if I was not afraid? If society's words, criticism and judgment did not matter, who would I become?

I'm someone who always gets affected by what people say and mostly and always wanting to blend in.I love that about me. That means I do care. And having that matters. But sometimes I have learned  that I need to draw the line between people's perspective of me and what I care about in my life, what I feel my true purpose is without the constraints of judgement and the courage to shine. SHINE BRIGHTLY.

It's not easy being someone who was trained to respect authority. It didn't really work. I've always had this independent streak in me. And a certain kind of pride. I sound like I'm rambling now. lol

But whatever it is, I've wasted too much time in caring about people's judgments and not caring about what I truly want.

It doesn't matter anyway. Why would it matter? It is my life after all. It is your life to live.

I would want to be in my death bed saying, hey I did it. I did everything that I set out in this life to do and boy am I proud of myself. That's what I wanna tell myself. I want to be smiling and happy knowing that fact. That I had the balls to do it and to do it WOW.

Now that I have that out of the side, I'm thinking of how I'm going to go about realizing my dream. One thing that I have found a bit of a drag is the fact that I always want to be financially secure and my belief is that a good solid job is something that is secure. Who's to say being a singer, writer, poet, composer, artist or performer cannot rake in money?

I want to do what I am passionate about before it's too late.

And I'm going to do it now.

JEAN-MICHEL BASQUIAT. MY HERO.

He's my idol. I forgot how I came across him but he is tres' magnifique (sp).

The man himself. You can read more about him here.

Magnificent artist. His work screams BOLD, GAME CHANGER AND COURAGE.

Some of his work. 

He inspired the layout to my blog too and hopefully it will follow through with other parts of my life as well. 

I want to have that I don't care about what you think attitude. I guess that has always inhibited me from moving forward with my life's passions. 

Gone too soon. 

Jean-Michel. You are greatly missed. Thank you for the inspiration. 

BE FREE

I used to sleep with my stationery. (NO.....not that kind of sleep).

My knack for writing has withered. Maybe it's because I already have this set way of how I want it to look like or what to write versus allowing myself to express freely.

Speaking of freedom. On a crazy night out with my nephews, Din said something to me which triggered something in my heart..

BE FREE.

I kind of forgot how it feels like to just write whatever it was I wanted to write, sing or dance and to just be myself.

Growing up does have it's issues. I forget and suppress everything it is about me till I lose myself just so I can cater to society and it's expectations.

I never knew those two words could be so powerful.

Kids don't care about these kinda ridiculous things. The Little Prince was cool with being who he was. (Antoine has indirect speech on lockdown yo).

I remembered how I was like...so full of life and vibrance. So many questions. So many dance moves. So many stories...and so many songs.

I need to bring her back.

I need to bring BABY(my nickname as a child) back.

And then we can rule the world.

If ever I am to be rigid about something this is it.

We're coming back with a vengeance.

Where do I begin

Exactly what the title says. I need to shape up...everything. Anyhow I am going to start with one goal and am certain everything will follow suit. I just have to have faith that everything will fall in place.